...ergo sum

So much has transpired in the last few days that I can hardly believe that I find myself where I am now. It has been very interesting to say the least.

So Dear reader if you have the time, the interest and that peculiar brand morbid curiosity that makes these narratives fascinating; let me present to you my work, Great Unexpectations, written in three parts.


[ Part I ]

Some of you may recall that last week I found myself in a difficult position. My Father had insisted that I let my grandparents know of my great apostasy. I wrote about it here. He wanted me to call and tell them the grim news. I spent the day quite ill with the prospects of telling the great matriarch and patriarch of a rabidly Mormon family that I didn't believe it all any more. I did my share of pacing and pondering.

I decided to write a letter to them instead. I called my father up the next night and said that I had prepared a letter for them to read. He was not too pleased at my decision to write a letter, he though it too impersonal. I insisted that it was well thought out and compassionate, it was the only way I know how to break the news as softly as possible.

My father thought that we had reached an agreement, and that this was not totally acceptable. I gradually started to lose my patented cool that I have muster anytime these topics surface. I told him that I felt that this ultimatum, was a last minute discussion on their ( my parents part) and that I had little choice in the matter, and that it was rather "low" of them to spring this on me.

That didn't go over well. He didn't see it as an ultimatum, but an opportunity as they were together with my grandparents as it the time, so it was more convenient for them. To his credit he did say he was willing to work with me on this issue.

For some reason, I some how thought it was a good idea to be emotionally honest with my father. I lamented this whole unnecessary situation. I also said I wasn't looking forward to the gossip, the judgements, the awkward silences, the second guessing my parentage and all the other baggage that comes along with the fallout of announcing to the extended family my "fall from grace".

To say he was shocked would be mild at best. Then, with the air charged with emotion discord, he launched his rebuke. The very thought that our loving family could quite possible be capable of any of those items was beyond him. This is ironic as I know from experience that my mother has engaged in a few. At any rate, he said I was the judgemental one and that in my arrogance I was acting omniscient, knowing how my porr family would act.

I gathered my wits and tried to cool my heat. I asked him not to hyperbolize the situation. That would do no good. I apologized for making assumptions that I had no way of knowing absolutely, but that they were a justified fear. Still not satisfied with this message, he went on to unleash his crowning comment of the evening.

He saw my frustration and said that I had a "bad spirit", and were not talking about the metaphorical kind. He was quite emotional about it too. I'm sure he heard my eyes rolling on the other side of the phone.

I calmly pointed out that this is new territory for the both of us, its emotional and frustrating. My reaction is simply a byproduct of these attributes. This is psychology not psychokinetics. It's also a well known fact that I never really stick up for myself, so this unheard act of "rebellion" must have stuck him as Satan inspired.

You'd think an engineering degree would do some good. No, he still insisted that I had a "bad spirit". If your wanting to get your loved one back to church, don't say they're possessed, it tends to turn them off. This is what represented to me the entire reason why I left Mormonism and religion in general. I can't abide the willful disregard of reasonable logical conclusions in the place of entrench dogma and backward thinking.

I had no desire to create discord or bad feelings. It was always my hope that I could reconstruct bridges. I let him know this. I also said I wanted us to be a loving family, that could be functioning and together. He tersely replied that we couldn't, because we wouldn't be together in the lofty kingdoms of celestial glory for the eternities.

I said he could come visit us in them dusty lower kingdoms, but he still insisted that if were not together we're not a family. That comment inspired my wife to make this little comic. I don't quite know where he got that logic. I had to counter by saying that life is beautiful because of it's fragility and brevity. Furthermore that my view on living life and seeking peace now was far to superior to the religious person who says, oh I'll just sort all that stuff out in the afterlife. Don't think he knew how to take that one.

At any rate things would not get any better. I said that I was sorry that feelings were hurt and people felt so volatile about everything, but that I in no way apologized for what I thought or believed in.

In the end he agreed to read them my letter, but it wasn't going to make him to happy.

So then I waited


[Part II]


I hate waiting.

I tried to think about how they would take the news. How would they react. I hope their wisdom and experience would temper their reaction, but I simply didn't know. I had often speculated about my grandfather. He's been a leader in the church for many years, serving as Stake President and even a regional authority. At the same time, he's one of the most well read, and intellectually vibrant men that I've ever encountered. Not just generally, but also about the church and all of its, to quote him, "sordid" history and odd doctrine. What would he really think?

I checked my inbox the next day. There was a letter from my grandfather.

In a word, it was amazing.

He mentioned that he was confiding some sensitive facts in our trust and asked us not to share them with the greater populace. Even though I write in anonymity I still feel compelled to reserve his trust and will only refer to the letter vaguely in it's abstract ideas. It appeared to confirm some of the suspicions I had formulated.

The important part was that he did not think any less of me or my wife for our disbelief. In fact he was grateful for our candor and honesty with him. He made it clear that there was absolutely nothing wrong with us for believing the way we did.

In the end he made a well reasoned case asking us to reconsider attending church based on its community and service opportunities.

I found myself actually thinking about the possibility of pondering about the idea of possibly attending church again.

Yeah, he was that good.

Keep in mind there was no effort to, nor did I change my own mind about; religion, belief, or the church's bizarre doctrines.


[Part III]

Then on a completely unrelated and yet oddly related note, I had a job interview this week. It's one I've been pursuing for a while, in a place very very far away beyond the sea. The interview went well, very well. I still haven't heard back, but I can't help but think that I have a very good chance.

If we move, it's going to wipe us out financially and intially put us in a very difficult position money wise until I can get in to a better position. Furthermore we don't have any family, friends, or contacts of any kind waiting for us there. The difficulties seem quite perilous to begin with.

Then I had a thought.

La Familia ( my cute nickname for LDS inc. ) does do an excellent job at taking care of it's own when it wants to. So, what if we did attended church again? I know I know, it's insane, but I couldn't help thinking about it. Hypatia and I have actually been entertaining this madness.

If we did attend once again, it would be on our own terms, we'd be honest to ourselves and others ( should they need to know) about what we believe and are comfortable with. Hypatia says that she'd have to take Dawkins or Joseph Campbell in to read during sacrament in order to keep her sanity. I said we might turn into the Mormon equivalent of the Illuminati.

At any rate we're running this bizarre scenario through our heads. There are numerous Pros and Cons that I could and probably will write about very soon.

So that's where we find ourselves, on the edge of this peculiar precipice of possibility.

Crazy eh?

Just when I thought I was done with the church, It decides its not quite done with me. Though, I did know this day was coming, it was only a matter of time.


So the good news is that my sister is going to get married this May. We're very excited for her, I really like her husband to be, he's a good guy who will treat her well. If you've read my blog you know that 100% of my family is 100% LDS, myself being the only exception. So far the knowledge of my great apostasy is not universally known. Therefore it will be a surprise when I don't go into the temple ceremony to see the happy couple in middle of the room in their deranged baker outfits flashing masonic hand gestures, while everyone, otherwise well dressed, looks on. (Sorry if I'm a bit smarmy right now)




Well, my dad called me up last night. My parents and siblings are at my grandparents right now, visiting for the holidays. Apparently my Mom has been wanting to blab the news that I'm a heathen to my grandparents for some time. Now that this wedding is the works she wants it known right now.Why this is the case is a mystery to me. So I essentially was given an ultimatum last night, either I tell them that I won't be in the temple or they will, and all within the next 24 hours.


I love my grandparents, they're old and not so nimble though, and I wanted to spare them this bit of news for as long as I could. This could be really volatile. I wanted some time to figure out what to do, now I don't have that luxury. So I spent all of last night dazed, miserable and angry.


This morning I decided to write them a letter, hopefully it will let them down softly.


Here it is:


Happy New Year. I hope it brings renewed joy and prosperity to our family. We’ve been excited by the news of (my sister’s) wedding, and are enthusiastic about having the family together at that event, and celebrating with you all. This news has caused me to reflect upon some matters that I will illuminate in this letter. For me they are enlightening and positive, and I hope you will be in agreement on this point.

Each one of our spiritual journeys, I believe, is a deeply personal and private matter; that’s what makes them sacred. However, my parents want me to share, with you, some of these personal ruminations . . .

In Hamlet, Polonius shares with his son Laeretes, the now well known council, “This above all, to thine own self be true, And it must follow as the night, the day, Thou cans’t be false to any man.” You have always been exemplary in your characters, committed to a life of integrity. I hold the desire to pass this trait to my daughter and others who observe me. Therefore, I must be true to my own self.

However, a life of honest conviction is not an easy one, as we well know. It is much easier to flow with the tide of general opinion, than to stand in honest defiance of its current. Most of my life, I expected these buffeting forces to come from outside my peerage, and church. I did not expect them to come from within.

I find myself at odds with a great number of the church’s policies and theology. Like any good member of the church should, I have prayed and fasted extensively and intensely to accept the wisdom and divine council of my leaders. For many years I did so hoping intently and working with great diligence to be one with the church. Humility and supplication were never absent from my pleadings, but my honest convictions did not change. I could not deny that my doubts were reasonable and rational. However, when I tried to address these questions in church study and research, I found that, generally, the Church discouraged members from even asking these legitimate questions. I tried not to admit it, these things echoed the efforts of many religions throughout history to suppress knowledge in order to maintain their own outdated dogmas.


I could not fathom why the Church of Truth, was so frightened about honest questions, when questioning is the way we can progress and learn new things. Why censor and excommunicate BYU professors, like D. Michael Quinn, for writing objective histories about the church, as well as others for having differing political opinions? Why focus on ballot issues such as Proposition 8, which church leaders have said is the “threat to civilization as we know it,” when real threats, such as wars, genocides, and famines receive but perfunctory mentions, if they are mentioned at all.


These questions, and many more, as well as a personal spiritual struggle, eventually led me to embrace a more rational worldview. In order to be a person of character, I had to speak against what I rationally viewed as inappropriate behavior, from an organization espousing itself as containing all Truth.

While I now admire the church as a community, of well intentioned people, committed to living good honest lives, and working for the greater welfare; I do not see it as the one and only true church on the face of the whole earth, as Joseph Smith said it was. Therefore I cannot honestly attend the temple, when I cannot endorse the statements of belief in the recommend interview.

I hope this will not in anyway detract from the wedding, as I want the focus to be where it rightfully should be placed, on my sister and my new brother.

I understand that this news is sudden, and unexpected, and perhaps unpalatable. Some have taken this news very grimly and I hope that will not be your reaction. Know that I respect everyone’s beliefs, and do not wish to deter you from anyway in your own faith. My parents made it clear that if I did not reveal these things at this time that they would. I thought it better for me to honestly tell you what I personally think and feel.

As I mentioned before, I find this transition to be a very positive one in my life. I am happy that I can admit to myself that I have a different belief system than the church. I am committed to living an honest, charitable, and meaningful life and impressing the importance of these things on my child. I need to be good for the sake of goodness, not for fear of punishment or the hope of an eternal reward. As it says in D&C 58:26-28 "For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward."

A good honest life is my reward. If we cannot abide making this earth our heaven, what good is a celestial one?

I love you very much and have always looked to for an example and for wisdom. I will never know why I was so fortunate to find myself in this family, but will always be grateful for it.


All My Love,


Marcus


So that's that. I'll be officially shunned from the family after this. Go me.

Long ago, in a life that was once mine; I sat and listened to a lesson about the true nature of damnation. Though this lesson was a religious one, we did not dwell on ghoulish images of imps with pitchforks prodding sinners in an eternal lake of fire and brimstone. Rather we explored the eternal nature of development, and that damnation meant the cessation of increase. We understood the once frequently taught idea, As man is, God once was. As God is, man may be. Thus, to be damned was to be denied that increase, to be blocked, or prohibited from our natural evolution. It didn't need to be a state of eternal physical torment, a comfortable place in a lesser, but nicely furnished kingdom, would qualify as damnation. The knowledge that we forfeit our place amongst the gods would be torment enough. Our cessation of increase would be our damnation.

Now, I am thankful for that lesson, it has helped illustrate something that becomes ever more apparent. There came a time when I was damned in my former faith. My development came to a halt. It's true that I could have continued on the predetermined liner path that was laid before my feet. However, I found that path to lack dimension and depth, having only a y and x axis, it disregarded the rest of the spatial plane.

So leaving Mormonism saved me from damnation. Clearly I don't mean this in the same sense as those of an evangelical persuasion, far from it in fact. I feel as though my growth, intellectually, spiritually and emotionally, since leaving the church, has been extraordinary. I have been opend up to whole new spectrums of thought that I had never even fathomed. Whole philosophies and world views, that I once summarily rejected before even a terse investigation, have blossomed radiantly before my minds eye. My whole life has become a new and exciting journey, as if I have become a child again, looking at the world as if it were all brand new.

This wonder comes at a price though. This journey has been ,and I suspect will continue to be, among the most difficult things I have ever undertaken. It has taken a large emotional toll on myself and my family. Though we seem to be in a state of truce, I can hear, in the silent hessitations of speach and carefully delicate conversation, their disappointment and sorrow. In fact much to the opposite of my summation, they may find me damned and fallen.

I don't spend much time dwelling on this fact, because it dose very little if I do.
I find this exploration far to fascinating to be mired by the well intentioned, but misguided lamentations of my loved ones.

So for now, I continue as an explorer through a seemingly virgin landscape. One full of all the wonders, sights, and adventures as well as hidden dangers, disquieting and perhaps disturbing unknowns. However treacherous, I find this life better than the one in which I was damned in a comfortable, but insipid lower kingdom of existence.

It seems to me that I've not really developed an independent idea in a while and keep revisiting that which I have encountered before. Still, The crux of this blog is my own catharsis more than a platform for philosophical advancement. That may change, and it may not. Either way, I was enchanted by this video I discovered on my ever present quest to discover spirituality without God, gods, angels, demons or metaphysics in general. It's nothing really new, I've written about much of what is said in this video and have seen others like it. However, for some reason this one really spoke to my "soul".

Enjoy.

It was good wasn't it?

I'm thinking of writing here more. I have been casually meandering my way through Walden.( I imagine Thoreau wouldn't mind my pauses to smell the proverbial roses.) Anyway, I might write a bit about that as time goes on. He seems very close to my own mind about many things. I'd like to read a bit more about John Muir as well. He seems like a facinating man in both the adveturous and spiritual scences. He once climbed to the top of a tree in a violent storm, just to see what it was like to be a tree bowing to the elements. That made me smile when I saw that.

Until then.

I'm taking a trip this week.

My sister has returned from her mission overseas, so I'm going back to my parents house to see her. My brother and sister-in-law currently live there, so this will be the first time in maybe two years that my immediate family has been together.

Despite the strained relationships, because of our exodus from the LDS church, I am genuinely looking forward to going home. Although it is odd I should call it that, as it was never my home. They moved there while I was away on my mission. However, it is the place where all my surviving childhood relics reside, as well as the familiar objects my family has retained over the years. This is, not to mention, is the place my family lives, and is therefore home in that sense. Still, I suppose it will seem less so this time.

This is the first time I'll be going back home as an open "apostate" or "freethinker" as I prefer. (I'd like to refer to myself as something I am, rather than something I am not.) My wife and I left church over a year ago, but my family didn't find out until the fall of last year.

My sister was still on her mission, and I implored my mother to remain silent on the fact. It was, after all, her natural instinct to tell, with out my permission, my brother and his wife. My mother also discovered our position not due to my own thoughtful confession of disbelief, but by the unfortunate rant of my less than sane mother-in-law.

So, until now I have not had the privilege of explaining myself to those I love, it has been done, I suspect rather tersely, by others. This has no doubt contributed to misunderstanding and angst. Hopefully this time, things will be different.

I've been writing to my sister since she left. I attend Christmas conversations, one of which she broke down and admitted how difficult things were for her. I all instances I offered the best advice and encouragement that I possibly could. I've been very positive and supportive, but at the same time I have tried to be as honest as possible, without admitting everything. I never mentioned my testimony or that we prayed and fasted for her, for example. Rather, I said that our thoughts were with her.

She has always been a very forgiving and open minded person. She has always turned to me for advice. I think all of that will change. I can tell by her letters that she is now thoroughly steeped in missionary fever. I can't help but think that her reaction will be similar to that of my other relatives.

And if it is, I can do nothing.

I can only continue as I have. I hope things will be different. There is no way to know. I wonder if she will feel as if I betrayed her, and lied to her while she was away. The fact is, I started questioning the church years before she left. I didn't go to her endowment, because I willfully did not hold a recommend. I could not answer the questions about faith in the affirmative.

No doubt I will be accused of being double faced, if not by her, then by my brother, with whom I have had a turbulent relationship for some time.

I really hope that we can all reach some plain of understanding, perhapse not contentment, but at least a cease fire of hostilities. To be perfectly honest, i do have some ill feelings with the way I have been treated, but I understand why they acted as they did. An apology would be fantastic. I know I'll never get one though. I'll never be looked athe same way again, never have credibility again. For now, I can live with that. All I want is some peace.

Maybe my sister will set the example for them.

Hello everyone.

I know it's been a while. I felt it unnecessary to write in this blog for a while. I was disposed to the usual affairs of life. I was taking care of my daughter, painting quite a bit, and just for kicks, even began writing a novel. However, I felt as though I should return and reflect here for a while. I don't know how frequently I'll do so, but today I felt so inclined.

I was listening to neuroscientist David Eagleman on NPR speak about his book, Sum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives.

The book alone sounds fascinating, but I was more interested in his points about our narrow perceptions and debates on the ultimate realities of the universe.

Here's a quote taken from his website.

"Our ignorance of the cosmos is too vast to commit to atheism, and yet we know too much to commit to a particular religion. A third position, agnosticism, is often an uninteresting stance in which a person simply questions whether his traditional religious story (say, a man with a beard on a cloud) is true or not true. But with Possibilianism I'm hoping to define a new position -- one that emphasizes the exploration of new, unconsidered possibilities. Possibilianism is comfortable holding multiple ideas in mind; it is not interested in committing to any particular story."

I recommended this video, it's nothing if not extremely interesting. I found myself in concordance with much of what he says. It's about 45 minutes long though, so you may want popcorn.

David Eagleman - On Uncertainty from The School of Life on Vimeo.