...ergo sum

Long ago, in a life that was once mine; I sat and listened to a lesson about the true nature of damnation. Though this lesson was a religious one, we did not dwell on ghoulish images of imps with pitchforks prodding sinners in an eternal lake of fire and brimstone. Rather we explored the eternal nature of development, and that damnation meant the cessation of increase. We understood the once frequently taught idea, As man is, God once was. As God is, man may be. Thus, to be damned was to be denied that increase, to be blocked, or prohibited from our natural evolution. It didn't need to be a state of eternal physical torment, a comfortable place in a lesser, but nicely furnished kingdom, would qualify as damnation. The knowledge that we forfeit our place amongst the gods would be torment enough. Our cessation of increase would be our damnation.

Now, I am thankful for that lesson, it has helped illustrate something that becomes ever more apparent. There came a time when I was damned in my former faith. My development came to a halt. It's true that I could have continued on the predetermined liner path that was laid before my feet. However, I found that path to lack dimension and depth, having only a y and x axis, it disregarded the rest of the spatial plane.

So leaving Mormonism saved me from damnation. Clearly I don't mean this in the same sense as those of an evangelical persuasion, far from it in fact. I feel as though my growth, intellectually, spiritually and emotionally, since leaving the church, has been extraordinary. I have been opend up to whole new spectrums of thought that I had never even fathomed. Whole philosophies and world views, that I once summarily rejected before even a terse investigation, have blossomed radiantly before my minds eye. My whole life has become a new and exciting journey, as if I have become a child again, looking at the world as if it were all brand new.

This wonder comes at a price though. This journey has been ,and I suspect will continue to be, among the most difficult things I have ever undertaken. It has taken a large emotional toll on myself and my family. Though we seem to be in a state of truce, I can hear, in the silent hessitations of speach and carefully delicate conversation, their disappointment and sorrow. In fact much to the opposite of my summation, they may find me damned and fallen.

I don't spend much time dwelling on this fact, because it dose very little if I do.
I find this exploration far to fascinating to be mired by the well intentioned, but misguided lamentations of my loved ones.

So for now, I continue as an explorer through a seemingly virgin landscape. One full of all the wonders, sights, and adventures as well as hidden dangers, disquieting and perhaps disturbing unknowns. However treacherous, I find this life better than the one in which I was damned in a comfortable, but insipid lower kingdom of existence.