...ergo sum

Just when I thought I was done with the church, It decides its not quite done with me. Though, I did know this day was coming, it was only a matter of time.


So the good news is that my sister is going to get married this May. We're very excited for her, I really like her husband to be, he's a good guy who will treat her well. If you've read my blog you know that 100% of my family is 100% LDS, myself being the only exception. So far the knowledge of my great apostasy is not universally known. Therefore it will be a surprise when I don't go into the temple ceremony to see the happy couple in middle of the room in their deranged baker outfits flashing masonic hand gestures, while everyone, otherwise well dressed, looks on. (Sorry if I'm a bit smarmy right now)




Well, my dad called me up last night. My parents and siblings are at my grandparents right now, visiting for the holidays. Apparently my Mom has been wanting to blab the news that I'm a heathen to my grandparents for some time. Now that this wedding is the works she wants it known right now.Why this is the case is a mystery to me. So I essentially was given an ultimatum last night, either I tell them that I won't be in the temple or they will, and all within the next 24 hours.


I love my grandparents, they're old and not so nimble though, and I wanted to spare them this bit of news for as long as I could. This could be really volatile. I wanted some time to figure out what to do, now I don't have that luxury. So I spent all of last night dazed, miserable and angry.


This morning I decided to write them a letter, hopefully it will let them down softly.


Here it is:


Happy New Year. I hope it brings renewed joy and prosperity to our family. We’ve been excited by the news of (my sister’s) wedding, and are enthusiastic about having the family together at that event, and celebrating with you all. This news has caused me to reflect upon some matters that I will illuminate in this letter. For me they are enlightening and positive, and I hope you will be in agreement on this point.

Each one of our spiritual journeys, I believe, is a deeply personal and private matter; that’s what makes them sacred. However, my parents want me to share, with you, some of these personal ruminations . . .

In Hamlet, Polonius shares with his son Laeretes, the now well known council, “This above all, to thine own self be true, And it must follow as the night, the day, Thou cans’t be false to any man.” You have always been exemplary in your characters, committed to a life of integrity. I hold the desire to pass this trait to my daughter and others who observe me. Therefore, I must be true to my own self.

However, a life of honest conviction is not an easy one, as we well know. It is much easier to flow with the tide of general opinion, than to stand in honest defiance of its current. Most of my life, I expected these buffeting forces to come from outside my peerage, and church. I did not expect them to come from within.

I find myself at odds with a great number of the church’s policies and theology. Like any good member of the church should, I have prayed and fasted extensively and intensely to accept the wisdom and divine council of my leaders. For many years I did so hoping intently and working with great diligence to be one with the church. Humility and supplication were never absent from my pleadings, but my honest convictions did not change. I could not deny that my doubts were reasonable and rational. However, when I tried to address these questions in church study and research, I found that, generally, the Church discouraged members from even asking these legitimate questions. I tried not to admit it, these things echoed the efforts of many religions throughout history to suppress knowledge in order to maintain their own outdated dogmas.


I could not fathom why the Church of Truth, was so frightened about honest questions, when questioning is the way we can progress and learn new things. Why censor and excommunicate BYU professors, like D. Michael Quinn, for writing objective histories about the church, as well as others for having differing political opinions? Why focus on ballot issues such as Proposition 8, which church leaders have said is the “threat to civilization as we know it,” when real threats, such as wars, genocides, and famines receive but perfunctory mentions, if they are mentioned at all.


These questions, and many more, as well as a personal spiritual struggle, eventually led me to embrace a more rational worldview. In order to be a person of character, I had to speak against what I rationally viewed as inappropriate behavior, from an organization espousing itself as containing all Truth.

While I now admire the church as a community, of well intentioned people, committed to living good honest lives, and working for the greater welfare; I do not see it as the one and only true church on the face of the whole earth, as Joseph Smith said it was. Therefore I cannot honestly attend the temple, when I cannot endorse the statements of belief in the recommend interview.

I hope this will not in anyway detract from the wedding, as I want the focus to be where it rightfully should be placed, on my sister and my new brother.

I understand that this news is sudden, and unexpected, and perhaps unpalatable. Some have taken this news very grimly and I hope that will not be your reaction. Know that I respect everyone’s beliefs, and do not wish to deter you from anyway in your own faith. My parents made it clear that if I did not reveal these things at this time that they would. I thought it better for me to honestly tell you what I personally think and feel.

As I mentioned before, I find this transition to be a very positive one in my life. I am happy that I can admit to myself that I have a different belief system than the church. I am committed to living an honest, charitable, and meaningful life and impressing the importance of these things on my child. I need to be good for the sake of goodness, not for fear of punishment or the hope of an eternal reward. As it says in D&C 58:26-28 "For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward."

A good honest life is my reward. If we cannot abide making this earth our heaven, what good is a celestial one?

I love you very much and have always looked to for an example and for wisdom. I will never know why I was so fortunate to find myself in this family, but will always be grateful for it.


All My Love,


Marcus


So that's that. I'll be officially shunned from the family after this. Go me.