...ergo sum

Great Unexpectations

2011-01-08T13:09:00.000-08:00

So much has transpired in the last few days that I can hardly believe that I find myself where I am now. It has been very interesting to say the least.

So Dear reader if you have the time, the interest and that peculiar brand morbid curiosity that makes these narratives fascinating; let me present to you my work, Great Unexpectations, written in three parts.

[ Part I ]

Some of you may recall that last week I found myself in a difficult position. My Father had insisted that I let my grandparents know of my great apostasy. I wrote about it here. He wanted me to call and tell them the grim news. I spent the day quite ill with the prospects of telling the great matriarch and patriarch of a rabidly Mormon family that I didn't believe it all any more. I did my share of pacing and pondering.

I decided to write a letter to them instead. I called my father up the next night and said that I had prepared a letter for them to read. He was not too pleased at my decision to write a letter, he though it too impersonal. I insisted that it was well thought out and compassionate, it was the only way I know how to break the news as softly as possible.

My father thought that we had reached an agreement, and that this was not totally acceptable. I gradually started to lose my patented cool that I have muster anytime these topics surface. I told him that I felt that this ultimatum, was a last minute discussion on their ( my parents part) and that I had little choice in the matter, and that it was rather "low" of them to spring this on me.

That didn't go over well. He didn't see it as an ultimatum, but an opportunity as they were together with my grandparents as it the time, so it was more convenient for them. To his credit he did say he was willing to work with me on this issue.

For some reason, I some how thought it was a good idea to be emotionally honest with my father. I lamented this whole unnecessary situation. I also said I wasn't looking forward to the gossip, the judgements, the awkward silences, the second guessing my parentage and all the other baggage that comes along with the fallout of announcing to the extended family my "fall from grace".

To say he was shocked would be mild at best. Then, with the air charged with emotion discord, he launched his rebuke. The very thought that our loving family could quite possible be capable of any of those items was beyond him. This is ironic as I know from experience that my mother has engaged in a few. At any rate, he said I was the judgemental one and that in my arrogance I was acting omniscient, knowing how my porr family would act.

I gathered my wits and tried to cool my heat. I asked him not to hyperbolize the situation. That would do no good. I apologized for making assumptions that I had no way of knowing absolutely, but that they were a justified fear. Still not satisfied with this message, he went on to unleash his crowning comment of the evening.

He saw my frustration and said that I had a "bad spirit", and were not talking about the metaphorical kind. He was quite emotional about it too. I'm sure he heard my eyes rolling on the other side of the phone.

I calmly pointed out that this is new territory for the both of us, its emotional and frustrating. My reaction is simply a byproduct of these attributes. This is psychology not psychokinetics. It's also a well known fact that I never really stick up for myself, so this unheard act of "rebellion" must have stuck him as Satan inspired.

You'd think an engineering degree would do some good. No, he still insisted that I had a "bad spirit". If your wanting to get your loved one back to church, don't say they're possessed, it tends to turn them off. This is what represented to me the entire reason why I left Mormonism and religion in general. I can't abide the willful disregard of reasonable logical conclusions in the place of entrench dogma and backward thinking.

I had no desire to create discord or bad feelings. It was always my hope that I could reconstruct bridges. I let him know this. I also said I wanted us to be a loving family, that could be functioning and together. He tersely replied that we couldn't, because we wouldn't be together in the lofty kingdoms of celestial glory for the eternities.

I said he could come visit us in them dusty lower kingdoms, but he still insisted that if were not together we're not a family. That comment inspired my wife to make this little comic. I don't quite know where he got that logic. I had to counter by saying that life is beautiful because of it's fragility and brevity. Furthermore that my view on living life and seeking peace now was far to superior to the religious person who says, oh I'll just sort all that stuff out in the afterlife. Don't think he knew how to take that one.

At any rate things would not get any better. I said that I was sorry that feelings were hurt and people felt so volatile about everything, but that I in no way apologized for what I thought or believed in.

In the end he agreed to read them my letter, but it wasn't going to make him to happy.

So then I waited

[Part II]

I hate waiting.

I tried to think about how they would take the news. How would they react. I hope their wisdom and experience would temper their reaction, but I simply didn't know. I had often speculated about my grandfather. He's been a leader in the church for many years, serving as Stake President and even a regional authority. At the same time, he's one of the most well read, and intellectually vibrant men that I've ever encountered. Not just generally, but also about the church and all of its, to quote him, "sordid" history and odd doctrine. What would he really think?

I checked my inbox the next day. There was a letter from my grandfather.

In a word, it was amazing.

He mentioned that he was confiding some sensitive facts in our trust and asked us not to share them with the greater populace. Even though I write in anonymity I still feel compelled to reserve his trust and will only refer to the letter vaguely in it's abstract ideas. It appeared to confirm some of the suspicions I had formulated.

The important part was that he did not think any less of me or my wife for our disbelief. In fact he was grateful for our candor and honesty with him. He made it clear that there was absolutely nothing wrong with us for believing the way we did.

In the end he made a well reasoned case asking us to reconsider attending church based on its community and service opportunities.

I found myself actually thinking about the possibility of pondering about the idea of possibly attending church again.

Yeah, he was that good.

Keep in mind there was no effort to, nor did I change my own mind about; religion, belief, or the church's bizarre doctrines.

[Part III]

Then on a completely unrelated and yet oddly related note, I had a job interview this week. It's one I've been pursuing for a while, in a place very very far away beyond the sea. The interview went well, very well. I still haven't heard back, but I can't help but think that I have a very good chance.

If we move, it's going to wipe us out financially and intially put us in a very difficult position money wise until I can get in to a better position. Furthermore we don't have any family, friends, or contacts of any kind waiting for us there. The difficulties seem quite perilous to begin with.

Then I had a thought.

La Familia ( my cute nickname for LDS inc. ) does do an excellent job at taking care of it's own when it wants to. So, what if we did attended church again? I know I know, it's insane, but I couldn't help thinking about it. Hypatia and I have actually been entertaining this madness.

If we did attend once again, it would be on our own terms, we'd be honest to ourselves and others ( should they need to know) about what we believe and are comfortable with. Hypatia says that she'd have to take Dawkins or Joseph Campbell in to read during sacrament in order to keep her sanity. I said we might turn into the Mormon equivalent of the Illuminati.

At any rate we're running this bizarre scenario through our heads. There are numerous Pros and Cons that I could and probably will write about very soon.

So that's where we find ourselves, on the edge of this peculiar precipice of possibility.

Crazy eh?

And a Happy New Year ?

2011-01-02T10:22:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought I was done with the church, It decides its not quite done with me. Though, I did know this day was coming, it was only a matter of time.

So the good news is that my sister is going to get married this May. We're very excited for her, I really like her husband to be, he's a good guy who will treat her well. If you've read my blog you know that 100% of my family is 100% LDS, myself being the only exception. So far the knowledge of my great apostasy is not universally known. Therefore it will be a surprise when I don't go into the temple ceremony to see the happy couple in middle of the room in their deranged baker outfits flashing masonic hand gestures, while everyone, otherwise well dressed, looks on. (Sorry if I'm a bit smarmy right now)

Well, my dad called me up last night. My parents and siblings are at my grandparents right now, visiting for the holidays. Apparently my Mom has been wanting to blab the news that I'm a heathen to my grandparents for some time. Now that this wedding is the works she wants it known right now.Why this is the case is a mystery to me. So I essentially was given an ultimatum last night, either I tell them that I won't be in the temple or they will, and all within the next 24 hours.

I love my grandparents, they're old and not so nimble though, and I wanted to spare them this bit of news for as long as I could. This could be really volatile. I wanted some time to figure out what to do, now I don't have that luxury. So I spent all of last night dazed, miserable and angry.

This morning I decided to write them a letter, hopefully it will let them down softly.

Here it is:

Happy New Year. I hope it brings renewed joy and prosperity to our family. We’ve been excited by the news of (my sister’s) wedding, and are enthusiastic about having the family together at that event, and celebrating with you all. This news has caused me to reflect upon some matters that I will illuminate in this letter. For me they are enlightening and positive, and I hope you will be in agreement on this point.

Each one of our spiritual journeys, I believe, is a deeply personal and private matter; that’s what makes them sacred. However, my parents want me to share, with you, some of these personal ruminations . . .

In Hamlet, Polonius shares with his son Laeretes, the now well known council, “This above all, to thine own self be true, And it must follow as the night, the day, Thou cans’t be false to any man.” You have always been exemplary in your characters, committed to a life of integrity. I hold the desire to pass this trait to my daughter and others who observe me. Therefore, I must be true to my own self.

However, a life of honest conviction is not an easy one, as we well know. It is much easier to flow with the tide of general opinion, than to stand in honest defiance of its current. Most of my life, I expected these buffeting forces to come from outside my peerage, and church. I did not expect them to come from within.

I find myself at odds with a great number of the church’s policies and theology. Like any good member of the church should, I have prayed and fasted extensively and intensely to accept the wisdom and divine council of my leaders. For many years I did so hoping intently and working with great diligence to be one with the church. Humility and supplication were never absent from my pleadings, but my honest convictions did not change. I could not deny that my doubts were reasonable and rational. However, when I tried to address these questions in church study and research, I found that, generally, the Church discouraged members from even asking these legitimate questions. I tried not to admit it, these things echoed the efforts of many religions throughout history to suppress knowledge in order to maintain their own outdated dogmas.

I could not fathom why the Church of Truth, was so frightened about honest questions, when questioning is the way we can progress and learn new things. Why censor and excommunicate BYU professors, like D. Michael Quinn, for writing objective histories about the church, as well as others for having differing political opinions? Why focus on ballot issues such as Proposition 8, which church leaders have said is the “threat to civilization as we know it,” when real threats, such as wars, genocides, and famines receive but perfunctory mentions, if they are mentioned at all.

These questions, and many more, as well as a personal spiritual struggle, eventually led me to embrace a more rational worldview. In order to be a person of character, I had to speak against what I rationally viewed as inappropriate behavior, from an organization espousing itself as containing all Truth.

While I now admire the church as a community, of well intentioned people, committed to living good honest lives, and working for the greater welfare; I do not see it as the one and only true church on the face of the whole earth, as Joseph Smith said it was. Therefore I cannot honestly attend the temple, when I cannot endorse the statements of belief in the recommend interview.

I hope this will not in anyway detract from the wedding, as I want the focus to be where it rightfully should be placed, on my sister and my new brother.

I understand that this news is sudden, and unexpected, and perhaps unpalatable. Some have taken this news very grimly and I hope that will not be your reaction. Know that I respect everyone’s beliefs, and do not wish to deter you from anyway in your own faith. My parents made it clear that if I did not reveal these things at this time that they would. I thought it better for me to honestly tell you what I personally think and feel.

As I mentioned before, I find this transition to be a very positive one in my life. I am happy that I can admit to myself that I have a different belief system than the church. I am committed to living an honest, charitable, and meaningful life and impressing the importance of these things on my child. I need to be good for the sake of goodness, not for fear of punishment or the hope of an eternal reward. As it says in D&C 58:26-28 "For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward."

A good honest life is my reward. If we cannot abide making this earth our heaven, what good is a celestial one?

I love you very much and have always looked to for an example and for wisdom. I will never know why I was so fortunate to find myself in this family, but will always be grateful for it.

All My Love,

Marcus

So that's that. I'll be officially shunned from the family after this. Go me.

Saved from Damnation

2010-10-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

Long ago, in a life that was once mine; I sat and listened to a lesson about the true nature of damnation. Though this lesson was a religious one, we did not dwell on ghoulish images of imps with pitchforks prodding sinners in an eternal lake of fire and brimstone. Rather we explored the eternal nature of development, and that damnation meant the cessation of increase. We understood the once frequently taught idea, As man is, God once was. As God is, man may be. Thus, to be damned was to be denied that increase, to be blocked, or prohibited from our natural evolution. It didn't need to be a state of eternal physical torment, a comfortable place in a lesser, but nicely furnished kingdom, would qualify as damnation. The knowledge that we forfeit our place amongst the gods would be torment enough. Our cessation of increase would be our damnation.

Now, I am thankful for that lesson, it has helped illustrate something that becomes ever more apparent. There came a time when I was damned in my former faith. My development came to a halt. It's true that I could have continued on the predetermined liner path that was laid before my feet. However, I found that path to lack dimension and depth, having only a y and x axis, it disregarded the rest of the spatial plane.

So leaving Mormonism saved me from damnation. Clearly I don't mean this in the same sense as those of an evangelical persuasion, far from it in fact. I feel as though my growth, intellectually, spiritually and emotionally, since leaving the church, has been extraordinary. I have been opend up to whole new spectrums of thought that I had never even fathomed. Whole philosophies and world views, that I once summarily rejected before even a terse investigation, have blossomed radiantly before my minds eye. My whole life has become a new and exciting journey, as if I have become a child again, looking at the world as if it were all brand new.

This wonder comes at a price though. This journey has been ,and I suspect will continue to be, among the most difficult things I have ever undertaken. It has taken a large emotional toll on myself and my family. Though we seem to be in a state of truce, I can hear, in the silent hessitations of speach and carefully delicate conversation, their disappointment and sorrow. In fact much to the opposite of my summation, they may find me damned and fallen.

I don't spend much time dwelling on this fact, because it dose very little if I do.
I find this exploration far to fascinating to be mired by the well intentioned, but misguided lamentations of my loved ones.

So for now, I continue as an explorer through a seemingly virgin landscape. One full of all the wonders, sights, and adventures as well as hidden dangers, disquieting and perhaps disturbing unknowns. However treacherous, I find this life better than the one in which I was damned in a comfortable, but insipid lower kingdom of existence.

Spirituality, but hold the Metaphysics

2010-09-30T12:13:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that I've not really developed an independent idea in a while and keep revisiting that which I have encountered before. Still, The crux of this blog is my own catharsis more than a platform for philosophical advancement. That may change, and it may not. Either way, I was enchanted by this video I discovered on my ever present quest to discover spirituality without God, gods, angels, demons or metaphysics in general. It's nothing really new, I've written about much of what is said in this video and have seen others like it. However, for some reason this one really spoke to my "soul".

Enjoy.

It was good wasn't it?

I'm thinking of writing here more. I have been casually meandering my way through Walden.( I imagine Thoreau wouldn't mind my pauses to smell the proverbial roses.) Anyway, I might write a bit about that as time goes on. He seems very close to my own mind about many things. I'd like to read a bit more about John Muir as well. He seems like a facinating man in both the adveturous and spiritual scences. He once climbed to the top of a tree in a violent storm, just to see what it was like to be a tree bowing to the elements. That made me smile when I saw that.

Until then.

Going Home

2010-07-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a trip this week.

My sister has returned from her mission overseas, so I'm going back to my parents house to see her. My brother and sister-in-law currently live there, so this will be the first time in maybe two years that my immediate family has been together.

Despite the strained relationships, because of our exodus from the LDS church, I am genuinely looking forward to going home. Although it is odd I should call it that, as it was never my home. They moved there while I was away on my mission. However, it is the place where all my surviving childhood relics reside, as well as the familiar objects my family has retained over the years. This is, not to mention, is the place my family lives, and is therefore home in that sense. Still, I suppose it will seem less so this time.

This is the first time I'll be going back home as an open "apostate" or "freethinker" as I prefer. (I'd like to refer to myself as something I am, rather than something I am not.) My wife and I left church over a year ago, but my family didn't find out until the fall of last year.

My sister was still on her mission, and I implored my mother to remain silent on the fact. It was, after all, her natural instinct to tell, with out my permission, my brother and his wife. My mother also discovered our position not due to my own thoughtful confession of disbelief, but by the unfortunate rant of my less than sane mother-in-law.

So, until now I have not had the privilege of explaining myself to those I love, it has been done, I suspect rather tersely, by others. This has no doubt contributed to misunderstanding and angst. Hopefully this time, things will be different.

I've been writing to my sister since she left. I attend Christmas conversations, one of which she broke down and admitted how difficult things were for her. I all instances I offered the best advice and encouragement that I possibly could. I've been very positive and supportive, but at the same time I have tried to be as honest as possible, without admitting everything. I never mentioned my testimony or that we prayed and fasted for her, for example. Rather, I said that our thoughts were with her.

She has always been a very forgiving and open minded person. She has always turned to me for advice. I think all of that will change. I can tell by her letters that she is now thoroughly steeped in missionary fever. I can't help but think that her reaction will be similar to that of my other relatives.

And if it is, I can do nothing.

I can only continue as I have. I hope things will be different. There is no way to know. I wonder if she will feel as if I betrayed her, and lied to her while she was away. The fact is, I started questioning the church years before she left. I didn't go to her endowment, because I willfully did not hold a recommend. I could not answer the questions about faith in the affirmative.

No doubt I will be accused of being double faced, if not by her, then by my brother, with whom I have had a turbulent relationship for some time.

I really hope that we can all reach some plain of understanding, perhapse not contentment, but at least a cease fire of hostilities. To be perfectly honest, i do have some ill feelings with the way I have been treated, but I understand why they acted as they did. An apology would be fantastic. I know I'll never get one though. I'll never be looked athe same way again, never have credibility again. For now, I can live with that. All I want is some peace.

Maybe my sister will set the example for them.

Possibilianism

2010-07-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone.

I know it's been a while. I felt it unnecessary to write in this blog for a while. I was disposed to the usual affairs of life. I was taking care of my daughter, painting quite a bit, and just for kicks, even began writing a novel. However, I felt as though I should return and reflect here for a while. I don't know how frequently I'll do so, but today I felt so inclined.

I was listening to neuroscientist David Eagleman on NPR speak about his book, Sum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives.

The book alone sounds fascinating, but I was more interested in his points about our narrow perceptions and debates on the ultimate realities of the universe.

Here's a quote taken from his website.

"Our ignorance of the cosmos is too vast to commit to atheism, and yet we know too much to commit to a particular religion. A third position, agnosticism, is often an uninteresting stance in which a person simply questions whether his traditional religious story (say, a man with a beard on a cloud) is true or not true. But with Possibilianism I'm hoping to define a new position -- one that emphasizes the exploration of new, unconsidered possibilities. Possibilianism is comfortable holding multiple ideas in mind; it is not interested in committing to any particular story."

I recommended this video, it's nothing if not extremely interesting. I found myself in concordance with much of what he says. It's about 45 minutes long though, so you may want popcorn.

David Eagleman - On Uncertainty from The School of Life on Vimeo.

Astro Morality

2010-03-06T20:45:00.000-08:00

I once thought that Science did not try to answer the questions of religion and visa versa. However, now I think that science has broadened my "spiritual" awareness and deepened my humanity and compassion. I understand that this may not be true for everyone, but allow me to demonstrate how my understanding of the universe, how ever feeble and tiny, has influenced my morality.

IN THE BEGINNING...

...As the astrophysicists tell us, billions of years ago high mass stars erupted. In this astro-evisceration their rich entrails charged forth from the fantastically brilliant supernovae. The very act of unfathomable cosmic disembowelment, through nuclear fusion and nucleosynthesis, gave birth to the elements themselves. The irony is almost poetic. So intricate a creation came from such a tremendous act of celestial violence. The most abundant elements born from the fury of the stars were the inert gas Helium, its periodic neighbor Hydrogen; as well as Carbon, Nitrogen and Oxygen.

These latter four elements form the basis of the ever rare and fragile phenomenon known as life. Every minuscule protozoa and every massive blue whale are made, mostly, of these same four elements that were conceived in the fiery death of those stars. As much as Homo Sapiens proclaim their uniqueness, they too are elementally composed of Hydrogen, Carbon, Nitrogen and Oxygen.

The other astounding fact is that the Universe itself is composed of mostly those elements In the exact same proportion as living beings. This means that not only are man, beast and plants part of the same elemental family, but also asteroids, planets, nebulae and stars. We literally are celestial beings, and we came from stars and share an atomic lineage. We are the cosmos, simply a more complex manifestation of its natural phenomena. Or as Carl Sagan so eloquently said " We are the way the cosmos can know itself."

On a slightly higher level of complexity, the DNA that spirals in our genetic codes can be traced in a fantastic unbroken line back to the most simple and primitive forms of life. The genetic similarities between Man and beast are abundant, very little separates us. Humans and Chimps, for example are 96% genetically similar.

Beyond our common genes, we share the vessel in which we collectively spin at tremendous velocity though the empty expanse of space. Most living things dwell in a tight net of interconnected symbiosis, bees do not live without the flowers nor the flowers without the bees. Furthermore, in spite of the lurching cosmic perils which beset the proliferation of life beyond our tiny blue marble, we maintain a precarious hold on this existence.

In the vastness of the cosmic plane which expands in all directions for millions of light years, physical matter as we comprehend it is the exception, and not the rule. Most of the universe is nothing at all, even on an atomic level, if an atom where the size of a football stadium, you could place the nucleus in the middle of the field and the first electron cloud would, roughly be at the first row of seats. Emptiness pervades all. Furthermore life is the exception within the exception. Not only is physical comprehensible matter rare, but finding life upon that all too rare bit of element is fantastically and astronomically exceptional.

To observe our relationship to the stars, our familial atomic ties to the earth, our common ancestry with plants, our bonded genetic brotherhood with animals, and our exponential rarity within the universe, is astounding. One understands the words of Marcus Aurelius when he said "Everything is interconnected and the web is holy. "

Within this perspective, isn't human divisiveness slightly juvenile? The programmed response to process difference rather than observe similarity seems ridiculous. Barring certain evolutionary benefits of seeing difference as a tool for survival, we have developed a certain level of competence in the mean time. Shouldn't this make us want to cling to fantastically abundant similarity rather than trivial difference.

When I make even feeble ruminations about the rarity and precious nature of life from a scientific perspective I am appalled at the thought of causing pain or undo suffering to any organism, human or otherwise. Though, understanding that creation rises from destruction , as in the case of supernovae and elemental genesis, I understand death is necessary for the proliferation of life. So, I call this my astro-morality, an ethic based on the knowledge that we come from the stars.

Atheism, Liberalism and IQ

2010-02-27T17:15:00.000-08:00

I was perusing the news on the inter webs as is my regular custom, when I came across this interesting article on CNN's website. The introductory paragraph sums up the general idea of the article.

"Evolutionary psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa at the the London School of Economics and Political Science correlated data on these behaviors with IQ from a large national U.S. sample and found that, on average, people who identified as liberal and atheist had higher IQs. This applied also to sexual exclusivity in men, but not in women. The findings will be published in the March 2010 issue of Social Psychology Quarterly."

I thought it was interesting to see a study about this subject. I've heard people say that liberals are smarter than conservatives, and I have heard the same thing about atheists and theists. I usually rolled my eyes at such conjecture and discount it as unsubstantiated rumor. It appears that there might actually be some fact behind the bias. However, the study also demonstrates that the difference in IQ isn't that substantial, between 6 and 11 points. So its not a tremendous support of the aforementioned bias. Besides its a completely vapid and baseless argument to say that smart people are atheists and dumb people believe in God. There are plenty of intellectual heavyweights that have fought for both sides. This is simply interesting to see this study from an evolutionary and behavioral stand point.

I doubt that my personal "atheism" (pantheist,/aweist/ whatever-you-call-it) is linked to my IQ. Mine is far from impressive, I'm perfectly average as far as that goes. I just seem to exercise my brain harder and for longer periods of time. I generally arrive at the level of my mentally advanced superiors long after they have abandoned it for loftier planes. It's a slow upward climb for me. I'm also not politically liberal, nor am I a conservative for that matter. I'd classify myself as more of a libertarian to somewhere completely out of the political spectrum. So I don't know if I fit into this study at all.

Still, it's interesting.

Declaring Myself

2010-02-10T10:03:00.000-08:00

I was on my morning constitutional through the blogosphere when I happened upon Andrew's post about his Atheist Declaration.He got the format from Sabio at Triangulations which is a pretty interesting blog that I should devote some more time to peruse. Anyway I thought it was interesting enough and decided to go ahead and declare myself! This is my the result...

Your Atheism Positions

Level of Certainty:	Agnostic
Openness:	Open, but cautious
Degree of Outreach:	Passive to Affirm only
Present Religious Participation:	Abstaining, church for me
Stance toward Categorically Rejecting Religion:	Sympathetic, but I do my share of fist shaking and forehead slapping.
Degree of Enchantment	Enchanted, life is beautiful (for the most part.)
Mystical Perceptions:	I suppose Partially Mystical
Theory of Religion:	The thing that made the thing for which there is no known maker.
Non-theistic Leanings	Pantheist leaning, Sagan-like Aweism.
Secular Superstitious or Irrational Habits	I don't take god's name in vain or swear. ( old polite habits die hard)
View of Reason	Favorable, I like Reason, but realize it's limitations within the emotional/psychological lives of people.
Faith Items	What things you believe in for which you don’t have evidence
Past Belief History	Former Believer...I drank kool-aid, it was pretty tasty.
Past Orthopraxy History	Former Practitioner, hardcore zealot at some points even.
Past Sect History	Mormon Pioneer descendent...

I suppose that this demonstrates that Ricahrd Dawkins would shake his head in disapproval of my atheism. I think that religion really authentically helps some people and that without it a few would wither like sun baked weeds. Naturally I think the reverse is true, that many are hindered by the way it presents existence. Still, I am far from militant and even avoid advertising my inclinations on belief. I suppose I do no favors to the community of my fellow skeptics because I hide my light under a bushel.

As I understand it one of the pushes from the New Atheists ,people like Dawkins, Sam Harris and Christopher Hitchens, is to demonstrate that secularists are moral people too. We don't typically stomp on babies around fires with demons while drinking blood from puppy skulls. Furthermore I think they want to demonstrate that religion hinders your growth and leaves you a hollow fake individual. I don't necessarily agree. I agree that that is what it did to me, but not so much to others.

So that's me so far, I do expect that this with evolve with time, but for the time being here I am.

awake

2010-02-01T20:42:00.000-08:00

Until recently I have lived a passive existence, one in which I was acted upon. I did very little of the action. My whole life was a neat plan of goals and achievements from school and work, to church and family. Graduate this grade move to the next, finish high school go to college, go on a mission get married in the temple. Easy and simple. Thusly I floated forward in the stream of my societal current.

The great thing about the passive existence is that it requires very little abstract thinking. There is a certain level of cognitive effort, but that is used to solve formulaic problems to reach the next level of life. There was the occasional query of who I am and why was I here. Those questions always had neat and tidy answers. With those questions quickly solved, it was back to the assembly line.

The identity I was administered from my birth was not a malicious one. Far from malevolence, its intent took the utmost care form my well-being and future. It was, as with everyone, a construct of my society. Specifically in my case I was a male American Conservative Mormon. Therefore my worldview came prepackaged with all the necessities for philosophical questions, political opinions, and familial roles. My identity and my destiny were pre-determined for my benefit.

This is perhaps an oversimplification. I do not believe that we are all inert blank masses that simply drift in the stream like floating leaves. Even within our societies, religions and families, we find individuality we are not all identical clones. So what things aren’t a result of our environment, education or experience? What is in our programming? Furthermore how do they influence identity?

As I engage in this rhetorical exercise, I realize that there must have been something in myself that began a metamorphosis. Why did I decide to investigate my worldview and seek answers to questions not satisfied by my current system of thought? I must have allowed something to develop that was contrary to the current. It was not long before I decided to swim against it.

Now, I feel as though I have woken from a long paralysis, a waking sleep where I was capable observation but incapable of meaningful action. It is difficult not to consider the time I spent slumbering a terrible waste. The more I investigate, the more I realize how atrophied my mind is; how pitifully inadequate I am for these new mental exercises. How much more advanced would I be had I started straining and developing those muscles earlier.

Still, as groggy and atrophied I am, my awakening has a revealed a new world vibrant with beauty and potential. I see how apt Plato's cave analogy is. Furthermore, I feel as though I am discovering who I am for the very first time. As I explore different schools of thought I feel powerful almost spiritual connections to ideas and people that I would have derided not long ago. I feel like a different person that the one that slept and watched the world drift by.

I must, however, admit that the sum of my human experiences has drastically shaped the individual I am today. Therefore my environment has played a heavy role. Now, however I feel free to seek my own destiny as I write it, not as it was written for me. That is freedom. Freedom comes with the heavy price of responsibility. However burdensome that may feel, I’d rather live free in challenging paths than chained in a gilded cage of ease.

Cultural Chameleons

2010-01-20T12:24:00.000-08:00

The missus and I were at a small family get together the other week. My wife's uncle was saying how all of his coworkers were obsessed with football, while he, however, has no interest in the sport. When he informed them of his disinterest, they gawked appallingly and then hardly ever engaged him in conversation again.

At that point I mentioned that when someone talks to me about a subject I dislike, or have little interest or knowledge about, I'll humor them anyway. I call it being a cultural chameleon. Allow me to elaborate, we'll take the football example.

I have, not only no interest in the sport, I pretty much think it's a ridiculous practice. It further boggles the mind that a billion dollar enterprise is formed around the exercise of exceedingly large men crushing each other to take control of a three dimensional leather ellipse. That being said, If you talk to me about who I think will win the Super Bowl, or my opinion of the much maligned BCS Bowl system, I will capably offer my two cents.

While at BYU my roommates constantly watched ESPN and endlessly debated about all manner of sports. Through mental osmosis I absorbed their general knowledge and now I simply adapt it to new seasons through overheard conversations that drift around me. So, completely passively, without watching a single game, or spending a solitary moment spent researching the sport, I can get by and make it look like I know what I'm talking about. I'm a regular football fan.

The question then becomes, why would I do this? Well, I simply like to blend in. I don't enjoy being the center of attention, and I consider valuable anything that assists my camouflage. When you are an American male and you don't like football, flags go up in peoples minds. I like to be affable and approachable to all types of people. So I will engage them in just about any subject. My wife calls me Wikipedia lite because of my capacity to soak up all ranges of useless information for indefinite periods of time. So I can at least fake my way through any subject or conversation.

I realized that I had been a chameleon in my faith system for quite a while too. I just wanted to blend in, but blending in became too much of a burden for me, so I had to make my exit.

Now, from this perspective I think I've spotted other chameleons. Specifically my grandfather.

My grandfather is one of those people that would have made a magnificent diplomat. He is always gracious and accepting of anyone. He always seems generally interested in what people around him are saying. Add to that the fact that he was twice bishop, once a stake president and a regional representative after that. What you end up with is a perfect model Mormon citizen.

All of those facts address the public face of my grandfather, but it is clear that he is not your typical Mormon. While he was born and raised in Utah, his family was inactive. It was 't until his marriage to my grandmother that began to go to church. Certainly that was one of his influences in his church career.

He is also one of the most well read gentlemen I have ever met. From Geology to South African history, he is an encyclopedia of wisdom. He has a particular interest in Christian and Mormon history. Some of the books in his vast library include:

The End of Faith

The Birth of Satan

History of God

God's Problem

Jesus Interrupted( Revealing Hidden Contradictions in the Bible)

Lost Christianities

Polygamy, or the mysteries and crimes of Mormonism

The Mountain Meadows Massacre

This list is rather incomplete but it gives you the general idea. I know for a fact that he has devoured each one of these volumes.

Aside from that I've casually heard him converse about certain bothersome subjects of Mormonism. He's plainly declared that Native Americans do not belong to the same haplogroup as those of Semitic descent ( he is well versed in genetics as well) I've heard him call Ezra T. Benson "crazy", as well as criticize polygamists as pursing their own carnal delights. He's openly chided people in Sunday School for considering the world to be 6,000 years old. In a recent conversation he mentioned to me that he thought that the whole history regarding the Temple and the early days of the church was "sordid". One does not typically used the word sordid when describing things about the temple.

These conditions alone paint a much more complex picture of my grandad. I wanted to ask him what he really believes, but don't think I ever will. Part of me thinks he's a chameleon, blending in with his Utah valley culture. He is the patriarch of a large and deeply religious family. He admires the strength of his religious and family community, and therefore participates in it for that reason. He is, if nothing else very pragmatic.

Maybe he has a more complex faith than most. Maybe he doesn't believe at all. I don't think I'll ever know, and I speculate the rest of my family has no clue. My Chameleon senses tell me there's something more than what's on the surface.

Subversive Zombies

2010-01-06T20:09:00.000-08:00

I was recently reflecting on my current journey through the rabbit hole of life. What were the auspices that brought me to my current world view? Why was it so radically different from the one that I held such a relatively short time ago? Certainly time and experience have dictated paths that I have taken, but more than anything else I have been prodded along by ideas, specifically ones in books.

It is almost a cliche to hear someone say "this book changed my life". I doubt most people have transformative experience with a single volume. I further doubt that most people read any more, to the degree that they are influenced by the written word. It is, however, not uncommon for people to be touched or changed by books. This is the entire purpose of literature in the self help and religious sections. Sadly the only transformation I experience while reading them is from a state of boredom to one of slumber. None-the-less, I really enjoy reading.

A while ago, while talking to my wife I tried to trace my heretical lineage back to the seminal volume that began my whole existential crisis that made me challenge everything. I wondered if it was possible that a singular volume was responsible for laying waste to my whole political, social and cultural belief system. To my astonishment I did trace it back to a sole text that began the cascade of dominoes.

What was even more surprising was the unassuming work which began it all. Though I was prodded by Plato, and awed by Epictitus, they were not the root. Neither was the brilliant dystopia of George Orwell's eerily BYU-like 1984, nor was it the culturally critical works of James Howard Kuntsler. It wasn't Marcus Aurelius, Carl Sagan, Joseph Campbell, Thomas Jefferson, Spinoza, Goethe, Paine, Lewis, or Jung. In the end, the catalyst to my entire shift of thought was a simple, and even frivolous volume known as...

...The Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks.

I suppose some explanation would be beneficial. While I don't believe the aim of Mr. Brook's humorous, yet realistic parody of the survival genre was meant to initiate an existential quandary, that is exactly the effect it had on this reader. Before I opened the machete and rifle crossed cover, I had never questioned my world as it had been presented. I respected authority as having all knowledge, experience and ethics. The status quo was imperfect, but healthy. The way the world ran was pretty good in my assessment, even if, in retrospect, it was tragically tiny.

After concluding the last chapter, and being equipped with the knowledge of which weapons and methods to best dispatch the undead, the wheels in my head began to awaken from their long, dusty slumber. While it was creepily amusing to imagine the lumbering hordes scrambling for my brains as I emptied my clips into their languid skulls, I took things a step further.

I wondered what if? What if we had a regular emergency, like a natural disaster. Am I prepared to take care of myself, or for that matter my new wife? What if i didn't have access to food? Did I know how to grow food, or any plants for that matter.

This led me on my own green revolution, I studied gardening for the first time. Naturally my study into self reliance and gardening led me to study about food supply and origin. There were scary things in those closets. I found books on food policy and that led me into the realm of politics and the sticky business of globalization and social systems.

I found more questions than answers. I questioned my views on war, politics and the environment. I discovered that our insatiable materialistic appetite was killing us and our souls. As my entire archaic world view began to unravel, I realized how many lies and half truths I'd been taught. Then, finally my queries reached the sacred subject of the soul itself. All the questions I had about my own churches colorful history bloomed in radiant splendor before my frenzied mind. The running gears of logic, reason, fact and deduction laid waste to the small remnant of my former world view.

Then, the fateful day arrived, the task was complete. Everything I knew was wrong. Since then I have slowly began to reassemble existence. I like this view much better than the one I had before. I do get more frustrated with the idiocy of mankind, and often shake my fist at the open sky, it's leagues better than slumbering complacency.

So Mr. Brooks thanks for my metamorphosis. However painful it has been and will continue to be, I thank you. So let this be a warning to you all. You may think that Archie and Jughead's antics are benign, or that Hop on Pop is just good ole bear pouncing fun. Reader beware, for you do not know what subversive ideas they may incite!

So, have you read any good books lately?

The Unknowing New Year

2009-12-31T07:57:00.000-08:00

In a few hours we will say good bye to 2009. Because of the turbulent nature of the past year, many are all too excited to be rid of it and look forward to the new year. In some respects this seems somewhat silly, as Jan. 1 is more or less an arbitrary date chosen to signify the beginning of what we consider to be another revolution around our life giving star. As we know, circles ( or rather ellipses in the case of our orbital shape) have no beginning point and no ending point. We could just as easily have started a new year around any number of days with greater astronomical, lunar or solar significance.

I suppose this fact simply serves to illustrate that the actual date or time is irrelevant. What is relevant is transition. Humans are obsessed with the opportunity of having a new life, a second chance, or a bright future. This can be both useful and detrimental.

As I have had certain misfortunes with my family in the recent past, it is evident that some live only for the future. Not only do they live for the future but for a very distant and unseen one that may never arrive. Furthermore, I suppose the very idea of future is a metaphysical one. It never is the future, just as it never is the past. These are human constructs that delineate our perception of time (which we also seem to have created). So therein lies the problem, living for something that doesn't exist in the observable present and will never exist.

Why not live in the now?

Living in the now seems to have a certain stigma attached to it. There is a misconception that it endorses recklessness and irresponsibility. Living like that will surely end the now, or at least reduce its quality. Once again living for today increases our personal responsibility, just as I believe that living without a personal, immanent deity does the same. If we live today and take care of it's needs, tomorrow will fall into place. Being overly concerned about the future seems rather unproductive.

What I find useful about the future, is mystery and unknowing.

This also has it's advantages and drawbacks. Uncertainty is a stumbling block to many, just as unknowing can be the basis of fear. I suppose that is why some of the worlds more dogmatic religions are successful. Every last detail of existence is explained away, until everyone is left with absolute certainty. It gives some great comfort and peace to live in a universe that is understandable and defined, even if the explanation seems a bit infantile, even for them. They can be comforted by their bright tomorrow.

That view of life, however comforting, is one devoid of the mysterious and the unknown. It's dull --flavorless even. I think that the variable nature of our existence gives it its amazing luster. Or, to quote our friend Mr. Albert Einstein.

"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed."

I want a life of wonder and mystery. Vain repetition seems too banal, however stable it may be.
I suppose I'll live in the now, and expect the wonder of the unknown.

Have a Mysterious New Year!

Holiday Bleh

2009-12-28T17:04:00.000-08:00

My small family and I just returned from a holiday vacation at my grandparents house in Utah. We also celebrated it with my parents, which for better or worse,( most likely worse) made this a holiday I won't soon forget.

My parents in general, and my mother in particular, have not reacted very well to my transition out of Mormondom. I never expected things to be smooth and fantastic, so this comes a little surprise. However the force of their discomfort and awkwardness is becoming legion.

My father can maintain an actual relationship with me, in fact we talk more now than we ever did. My mother, however, still won't talk to me that much. She was very quiet and sullen for the length of our stay. Although she tried to hide it, I saw her sulk away into lonely rooms to cry.

At Church ( yes I went to church with them), after the first two meetings, my father took me aside to talk about how things were going. He the proceeded to confirm my suspicions by telling me that my mother was constantly distraught over my religious exodus.

We talked for a while and I tried once again to help him see my points of view, but I don't think we arrived at any consensus of understanding. that is a whole other post perhaps.

Afterward, my beautiful wife Hypatia suggested that I talk to my mother to see if there was any way to salvage the last vestiges of a relationship. I concluded that that would be wise, so I did. I decided that I would just let her vent all of her sadness, anger and frustration. I told myself not to counter or discuss things, but that I would just listen.

I found her alone in the room she was staying in, crying. I sat down next to her and put my arm around her and asked her to talk to me. What followed wasn't pretty.

Between sobs, she related an exceedingly long laundry list of apostate fallacies. She postulated that I was being prideful and didn't want to feel guilty about things I supposedly did in the past, so that's why I was just not believing. She was so upset that I didn't wear my garments anymore, because I wasn't "protected" anymore. I follow mans ways and not Gods ways. She compared me to Laman and Lemuel. I was told about how lost I am, how far removed from God. My spiral of godless secularism will lead me down a path of utter doom and gloom. I would probably loose my happiness and possibly my family. My daughter would grow up confused and eventually become a lost person as well. My wife was strongly to blame for not dragging me to church every Sunday and shoving the gospel down my throat. It went on and on.

Perhaps the worst thing she said was, "The only way you could understand how I feel is if your wife and child died." So that's it. I'm dead to her. Even though I was sitting right there next to her, and she "knows" she can see me in the next life, I was completely dead as far as she's concerned.

It was very hard not to point out the utter ridiculous claims at times, like "How can you not believe in God and Jesus Christ and that he is our savior and we will all be resurrected. That's just intuitive!" I had to stifle laughter at other statements, like "What's was stopping you from trying things, or doing things, or, *gasp*...Buying things on Sunday!"

I mostly listened. I did offer some clarifications and words of comfort as much as I could. I could tell she was bottling up a lot of emotion and she need to vent. I will admit, it was not easy to hear all those terrible things about me, from my own mother. I kept telling myself that it wasn't really her fault, and that she is a product of her culture.

When it was all over, I gave her a hug and told her I loved her. She sobbed that she loved me too. I added that everything would be Ok. She dubiously replied Maybe.

The sad thing I realized later was how much this was all about her. She blamed herself for not having a prefect child, and making sure he stayed in the "right" path. She kept saying that this wasn't what she wanted for me. I had no potential for growth any more, because she wanted me to be a leader in the church like I was meant to be. She, also was worried about what people will think when everyone in my family knows about my apostasy.

The ironic thing was that through her tears and sobs she said she wanted to stop me from all the pain and sorrow that was going to come because of my actions. Since my exit, I have never felt so much peace and excitement for the future. She, however, seemed like the candidate for sorrow and pain. The gospel that should bring her so much peace and love seems to constantly bog her down in self deprecation and sadness.

Its hard to accept that your parents will probably never be proud of you again. They will never accept you for what you are or believe. They will never take any joy in your achievements. It's a hard reality, but it's the one that my mother more or less outlined for me, and could quite possibly always be the case.

I cried that night.

I'm not crying anymore. Life is too short and too beautiful to not love and be loved. My mother's words are unfortunate, but I realize they come from a certain place of ignorance. Furthermore, I cannot change them, and I will not emulate nor reciprocate. I just hope she figures things out in time to still have a relationship with her son and granddaughter.

quadruple plus sigh.

Christmas, not just for Christians!

2009-12-17T10:11:00.000-08:00

This will mark my first holiday season as a known nonbeliever, well at least to my parents and sibling ( at this point) This will naturally beg the question. Well if you don't believe in Christ why are you celebrating Christmas? I know that this question will be inevitably uttered in some form or another. First one has to question the motive of the inquiry. Is it a sincere question or a combative one? Is it pointing out the seeming hypocrisy of not wanting to obey God but still party on his "birthday"? What ever the intent, I think it is a question that deserves a degree of rumination by the self respecting skeptic. My supposition is that one can have a festive Christmas and believe not.

Now as I type this the melodic strains of Handel' Messiah rings from my speakers, the glow of my tree warms the room and the red Santa hat on my head makes me look more than a little silly. I will let my bias be known. I love Christmas, so if this seems a tad like rationalizing my way into the celebration, that could be because it is. That being said, there are quite practical reasons, why I celebrate and would expect other non-believers to as well.

It could be quite glib to say that Christ got taken out of Christmas years ago. Still its hard to deny that gigantic displays of plastic reindeer and bloated red suited Santas sing to the strains of conspicuous consumption rather than O Holy Night. Naturally almost everyone likes to get more stuff, so the holiday brings out myriads who could hardly call themselves followers of Jesus. The secularization of Christmas is quite ubiquitous in America, and while it incurs a certain ire from some parties it will continue in force.

Much, perhaps to your surprise dear reader, I do not endorse this brand of holiday merriment. My wife and I grow ill at the bombastic displays of rampant consumption that roll like tsunamic tides this time of year. The bankrupt culture that equates more stuff with more happiness has been exposed and multitudes realize that this is not healthy. It's almost cliche' now-a-days as the phrase "true meaning of the holiday" stutters off the tongues of the most inane infotainment pundits and personalities. So where can a fellow rationalist find joy in the true meaning of the holiday? Why, in joy itself.

If I am not mistaken the story of the birth of Jesus was heralded with the message of peace on earth and good will toward men. I think that largely coincides with the desires of the conscientious non-believer. True, Christians will say that the true meaning lies in the passion of the Messiah, his triumph over death and hell, giving us the greatest gift, eternal life.

While we shun the metaphysical exploits of the Galilean, we join in with our Christian brethren and recognize the great gifts of Christ's teachings as they exist in contemporary form. The transcendent message is that we treat all with dignity and respect, as well as feeding the hungry providing aid to the down trodden and so on. Thus Christ words help us to bring a heaven on Earth and save us from the hell that we create though tribalism, exclusion, segregation and ignorance. A secular salvation is the message of Christmas, you don't even need to take Christ out of the holiday.

I fully recognize that peace and good will are not exclusive to Christianity, nor do all Christians preach such a sublime gospel. However, there are few people on the planet who do not know the name Christ and who do not posses a general positive connotation with him. Why should the secular be any different? Many non-believers have very bitter resentments toward Jesus as an oppressor of mind and body. While it is true that some of the most horrible acts of man were those conducted under the guise of Christian holiness. These, however, were not the acts of Jesus, but his misunderstanding devotees. As a favorite bumper sticker of mine says "Dear God, please save me from your followers".

While recognizing that he is not the only fount of ethics and sublimity, he certainly belongs in the canon of the enlightened. Why not throw a party in his honor? Why not throw the party coinciding on the same day as the ancient solstice, which is ripe with pagan holidays? Why not celebrate with copious amounts of non-Christian symbols like mistletoe, wreaths and evergreen trees? You'll just be one of the many non-Christian aspects of a Christian holiday.

Peace on Earth.

Good will toward Men.

Merry Christmas!

Cogito

2009-12-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

If you've been to this blog before today, you'll notice a few slight changes. My dear wife Hypatia and I started this blog a few months ago and began it as way to transmit our feelings thoughts and general anxiety concerning our gradual, but inevitable exit from the LDS faith.

There came a time where we felt a certain ease with our new lives and perceptions. I felt that lingering in the blogosphere reading and writing about the faith of my past was simply detrimental. Without fail there would be something I felt was unjust, wrong, backward or simply primitive about what was going on in the world of the Mormons. Dwelling on those issues appeared to impede my development into a new intellectual and spiritual being.

My wife felt somewhat similar and decided to create a new blog dedicated to her present and future rather than her past. We left this blog alone, and don't worry, you'll still be able to read all of our past entries, I won't touch that. I will take this in a new direction though. As much as I felt I was finished writing, I gradually thought it would be useful to write about my evolution of thought rather than what I had left behind.

In this slight epiphany I wrestled with the fact that I will never be completely divorced from my LDS past. It is as much a part of my history and my present as my DNA. I am a descendant of pioneers and all my family remains faithful in the traditional orthodox sense. I will also admit that there are many aspects of my personal ethical code that have been tempered by my former faith. There are many ideas that I find sound in Mormonism that I will always carry with me and not completely discard. Hence it will always be part of my identity.

This led me to another question, one of Identity. What am I? There are abundant existing labels. Atheist. Agnostic. Post/Ex/Non-Mormon. There are, however, flaws with labels. I suppose that we all like to shun them in general. Americans, specifically, enjoy a sense of hyper-individualization. Labels remove our individuality and make us easier to explain and categorize, leaving us to wallow in anonymity. Still, introspective identification seems important even if extrospective speculations are not welcome. So what am I ?

I find that all of those formerly mentioned labels woefully inadequate. While they serve to attempt to classify what I am/believe they do a terrible job explaining what I actually am. They all serve to explain what I do not believe, or what I am not. They offer nothing as to describe what I actually am.

I suppose you could call me a non-Chinese, ex-student, former child, non-pharmacist with no sons that doesn't live in a large house in Pittsburgh. While that statement is factually true, no one would think of describing me that way. It's naturally absurd. Thus the title of atheist, describing a non-belief, seems like emphasising gaping empty voids while beginning a thousand piece puzzle and ignoring revealed connected edges.

So I will focus on the puzzle as it is revealed, concentrating on the assembled pieces that slowly illuminate truths, rather than the void that speaks to what is lacking.

Therefore...I am

End of Something Old, Start of Something New

2009-11-27T17:56:00.000-08:00

Friends and all who have followed us on our journey thus far, I would just like to say how happy we are that we found this supportive online community who has helped my husband and I feel not so alone as we made our process from becoming "closet non believers" to essentially coming out and/or being outed by our parents.

This blog was essential for us to organize some of our thoughts we were having while going through the dilemma of coming clean or not with the people who are supposed to be the most understanding and accepting of us. I feel however, that this chapter of our life, the chapter which this blog was supposed to help us through is now at an end.

Marcus and I created this blog as we dealt with our issues concerning the church we were both raised in. We used it to network with others who were in our situation and relied on it for support as we finally let the crap hit the fan when our parents found out. (As some of you may know, with my parents it was anticipated and with Marcus's it wasn't.)

Now that it's official we are no longer active Mormons with our immediate families, I feel like some of the debris is finally starting to settle, and although it is starting to settle, we can clearly see that some permanent damage has been done. And while we still struggle to repair some of this damage, we know that the scars of us leaving the church will forever have a mark upon our relationships with our mothers (both of our fathers have been more understanding at this point).

You may have noticed Marcus and I haven't posted as often as before. This is because we've both been trying to put the church behind us. And while it was cathartic to dump our frustrations with the church on to the internet when our parents were oblivious to our heresy, we now find the subject of "church" to be emotionally draining as we literally have to deal with the drama leaving it has caused with our family nearly every day.

Yes, our extended families still do not know (for the most part although I'm pretty sure my mother's side of the family who aren't TBM's know but don't care much that we left anyway). But we have grandparents who still don't, but for me, that's not as big a deal as our parents knowing. They know and that's all that matters for now.

The point I am trying to make is, we both feel like this blog is no longer serving its purpose anymore. The part of our lives we were trying to understand and deal with is now over. Now is a time for healing, and frankly, we don't want to essentially bitch about the church perpetually as it works against our goals of overcoming and moving past the church.

Because of this, I have created a new blog where I'm going to write about my beliefs as I move beyond Mormonism. Although I may write sometimes about the church and its teachings (how could I not?), the new blog's main purpose is for me jot down my thoughts and discoveries as I try to understand what I do believe. This is contrary to this blog, where I basically expressed what I don't believe. I feel it will be a much more constructive pursuit:

http://seekingdesideratum.blogspot.com/

Marcus has also expressed to me that when it comes to these things, he is no longer interested in blogging about it. (Which I understand, but I hope he changes his mind!)

I will continue to blog about my experiences with religion, the universe, and everything else in my aforementioned blog space, but I am going to stop posting here. I hope you can all update your address books, bookmarks, and blogs you're following so that if you're interested in seeing what discoveries (or lack thereof) I make in the realm of philosophy, skepticism, religion, pantheism, agnosticism, etc. that you may be able to do so. I will continue to be a part of the mormon blogosphere, and continue to read and comment on mormon themed blogs. However, I'm just going to broaden my horizons a little bit as I continue on my journey.

Neil DeGrass Tyson at BYU (and I missed it!) :(

2009-11-26T16:41:00.000-08:00

Apparently, my life sucks and Neil deGrasse Tyson came and spoke at BYU... of course, he only came after I had graduated and left Provo. I am so sad that I missed out on him speaking, and I am so sad that I missed the little question and answer session he had while autographing some books for some students after the forum. Well, I came across this video on Youtube, and is it just me, or does it seem that the man standing next to Mr. Tyson becomes uncomfortable, and starts to physically (albeit gently) handle him after Mr. Tyson diplomatically tries to answer a young female student's question, "Are you religious?" Note the fake smile on that guy's face. That was exactly the kind of thing that drove me nuts at the Y.

Just Go Away

2009-11-19T17:08:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired of all of this. I never really had a problem with the church as an organization. I just don't believe in what it teaches. The hardest part about leaving wasn't that I felt lied to, it wasn't that I was offended by the bishop, it is that my family just won't drop it.

They keep treating me like I'm a non member in the most basic sense. They try to pull stuff on me that I can see through 100%.

Watch this talk from general conference with an open heart

Are you trying to read the scriptures?

Don't be like Korihor... he wanted a sign too. (Which by the way, I never said I want a sign, when it comes to faith at the moment, I just don't care.)

Watch the video on Youtube called Glenn Beck on Mormonism.

Like I said, I never hated church before now. But now that it just won't go away (family's fault of course), it's getting pretty irritating.

Vanquish Ignorance! (part II)

2009-10-03T14:24:00.001-07:00

I know I promised you another exciting edition of this post. However, I wasn't expecting to spend a long hot miserable day in Huston today, so this will have to be abbreviated from my original voluminous diatribe. I lost that passionate ire that originally drove me write.

None-the-less I owe you a little something.

Back to the subject at hand. The issue of separation of church and state, as well as the religiosity of the founder fathers and subsequent patriots is often contested. As discussed in my previous post, the religious right and the extreme conspiracy elements seem to champion the idea that all great American heroes were "passionately religious" in the Christian sense and committed to bringing that old time religion into the way we govern. This painting is picture perfect propaganda for that kind of idea.

The fact is many of these men and women were both believers in unorthodox senses ( like deism or pantheism) or were flat out non-believers.

I already talked about Thomas Jefferson's deistic beliefs. I could continue with Washington, Franklin, Lincoln and Grant, but John E Remsburg has written such an enlightening work, entitled Six Historic Americans, I find that I haven't much to contribute. Lets just say calling them Christians is misleading, so is calling them atheists.

I will comment that seeing Thomas Paine behind Jesus among the righteous in the painting made me fall on the ground writhing with riotous laughter. Paine as we all know wrote Common Sense. He also wrote something called the Age of Reason, which was a vitriolic attack on organized religion and Christianity in particular.

Here are a few fun Paine quotes:

All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.

The study of theology, as it stands in Christian churches, is the study of nothing; it is founded on nothing; it rests on nothing; it proceeds by no authorities; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing and admits of no conclusion.

The Bible: a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalise mankind.

The Christian system of religion is an outrage on common sense.

So much for passionately religious.

As for our Women Patriots

Susan B. Anthony was also known as a Unitarian. At the 1893 Chicago worlds' fair she shocked the Sabatarians when she said that her son would "learn more" at Buffalo Bill's Wild West show, than by attending church. The whole platform of her efforts to gain women's rights came under very heavy attack by, you guessed it, ministers and bible thumping preachers. She was committed to bringing about rights regardless of their beliefs or lack thereof.

tell them I have worked 40 years to make the Women's Suffrage platform broad enough for Atheists and Agnostics to stand upon, and now if need be I will fight the next 40 to keep it Catholic enough to permit the straightest Orthodox religionist to speak or pray and count her beads upon.

How refreshingly balanced for the 19th century. I wish we were so enlightened

If I had more time and energy I'd go and on, but It's hard to write all of American History in a simple blog post, so I'll let you investigate somethings that I've read that might illuminate you. Susan Jacoby's Freethinkers, a History of American Secularism is a great over all resource. Might I also refer you to any objective biography written about Franklin, Jefferson, Washington or Lincoln. You won't find any evidence of a transparent Christian faith as we see it today.

Efforts to rewrite history though rumor and propaganda always amuse me. Like I said before, fiction is fun, but fact is so much more refreshing.

Vanquish Ignorace! ( part 1 )

2009-10-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

Everyone is going to be talking about Conference this weekend, so I thought I 'd be original and talk about somethings totally unrelated, this most absurd of all paintings. ( Go ahead take a look!)

I realize I'm a little late in discussing it's craziness. They did a whole magnificent haiku post at BCC mocking it. (fantastic!) It was particularly offensive to my brain because I am professional artist, and I am an enthusiast of American history. Thus I attempt to base my world view on fact, rather than the mindless passionate ravings of infotainment prophets like Glenn Beck. Thomas Jefferson gave us the key for prosperity and freedom.

Educate the whole mass of people...they are the only sure reliance for the preservation of our liberty.

Books like Cleon Skousen's Five Thousand Year Leap which linger in a factual famine, clinging to a biased world view, do little to objectively educate the whole mass of people. For the record, I'm a Jeffersonian Libertarian, but these clowns draw close to those ideas with their lips, but their hearts and facts are far from it.

So, allow me to assist in your enlightenment dear reader.

The painting depicts scores of historic luminaries basking in the light of Jesus. Furthermore his extremely religious right wing bias is so palpable you can almost feel the Atheist professor shoving Darwin down your throat. Like the rantings of a Fox news host, this depiction is based in dubious opinion and fallacious claims. In case the visual message wasn't overt enough, he provides an illuminating artist statement (under the painting) to explain his design.

In essence it says that The separation of church and state is bad and that the founding fathers were "passionately religious and saw the hand of God all around them." To prove his point he provides quotes from some of our most esteemed early leaders about God, thus "proving" his point.

Any slightly comprehensive investigation reveals that the men and women in this painting present a patchwork of faith and non-belief, both in and out of the Christian tradition. They were also most assuredly committed to a separation of church and state.

The artist presents the most facile investigation of history, utilized to purport ones own bias as supreme. Let us investigate each quote and the man behind it to see if they really were "passionately religious" and proponents of a Christan republic relying on religion as it's necessary counter part.

We'll begin with my hero Thomas Jefferson.

God who gave us life gave us liberty. And Can the liberties of a nation be secure when we have removed a conviction that these liberties are the gift of God.

Jefferson did indeed believe in God, however his god was much different form that worshipped by Christians of his time and today. Like many of his intellect and status, he was a deist. Thus, he believed in a supreme being who created the earth, and like a clock maker tightened the springs and let the whole earth take motion and operate. He confessed, To Dr. Benjamin Waterhouse, his appeal to Unitarianism, which has no dogma or specific belief system.

That was the extent of his religious convictions, he did not favor Christianity, nor did he believe that Christ was the Son of God, but a great moral teacher. In a letter to John Adams he commented.

The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his father, in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.

Furthermore, he edited the New Testament and removed all metaphysical references, like the Resurrection, miracles, and the virgin birth. It was privately written, but can be purchased today under the title "The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth".

Dose he strike you as a "passionately religious" man.

How about the separation of church and state?

Jefferson was the greatest champion of a separation of church and state. He has engraved on his grave stone, Author of the Virgina Statue of Religious freedom. This prevented a domination by any religious institution over the people of the state. Furthermore he was the author of the phrase separation of church and state in an letter to the Danbury baptists in 1802. Furthermore his ideas of liberty and freedom derived from Anglo Saxon common law, not Roman or Christian ideas of a republic. He authored the following.

... the common law existed while the Anglo-Saxons were yet pagans, at a time when they had never yet heard the name of Christ pronounced or knew that such a character existed.

Christianity neither is, nor ever was, a part of the common law.

Furthermore he expressed his disdain of religion intertwining itself in government. He related in letter to Jeremiah Moor the following.

The clergy, by getting themselves established by law and ingrafted into the machine of government, have been a very formidable engine against the civil and religious rights of man.

To Alexander von Humboldt he related the following,

History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance of which their civil as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purposes.

There is a mountain of primary source documents that attest to Jefferson distrust of organized religion, his desire for a separation of church and state and his rejection of Christianity. So even if there was a vast liberal conspiracy to paint Jefferson as a freethinking secularist, the documents speak for themselves. Seek for thyself.

Yet, Jefferson was supposedly inspired by Christ himself to write the Declaration of Independence? Facts say otherwise. The other founders fall into faiths similar to Jefferson's.

Stay tuned for more founding fathers in part II

Truth, Lies and Myth

2009-09-24T07:12:00.000-07:00

I took sometime off from the blog(s). It was reminding me of things I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget that my mother had completely lost her view of me as a moral and spiritual person. I wanted to forget that she's slowly telling everyone in my family without my consent of my choice. I want to forget that Hypatia's mom is sending letters to my parents with dubious claims in a probable attempt to unify them against their "apostate" children. Forget family, forget church, forget turmoil, if only for a few days.

I suppose I was losing sight of why I had decided to leave in the first place. I wanted to become my best self, and investigate truths for myself. I didn't see me accomplishing that in an organization that I disagreed with on many levels. The explosive events surrounding the announcement of my exit created a very hard environment for reflection and meditation. I was engaged mostly in damage control, trying to prevent my mother from disowning me. Every phone call was so emotionally and mentally draining. It appeared that they were determined to self fulfill the "bitter fruits of apostasy" proclamation. It's odd to note that the only bitter part about this has been the reaction from faithful members of the church. Seems awfully counter intuitive.

Thankfully my dad has been really good about most things. It reminded me that I don't want to cast my heritage away completely. I've forced myself to remember the many teachings about Mormonism that I really liked. It got me thinking about myth, lies and truth.

Why do we still teach Greco-Roman mythology in a largely Judeo-Christian society? Certainly the two religious traditions were not compatible when they squared off for hearts and minds centuries ago. Christians of the era burned pagan libraries ( and their librarians ) destroyed their iconography and built their churches on the ashes of pagan temples. Although, Christian success was not totally due to violent subjugation of pagan thought. It owes a great deal to assimilation of pagan worship. (i.e. Christmas, Easter and the days of the week). That's how you get converts.

You say,

"Look, were not too different from you, we think the winter solstice is great too, that's when our god was born. Lets go sing and drink mead together!"

Or if you speak Mormon,

"Look, were not too different from you, we think basketball is great too, we just play it a bit more like rugby. Lets go play and drink root beer together!"

So, besides the obvious bridge to help converts, why bother to keep those contradictory faith traditions? I speculate that they were kept, because they have value. They speak to certain truths in humanity. There are infinite commonalities across the pantheon of religious thought. Unfortunately most of our focus is discovering differences between faiths.

Coming back to mythology, why do we tell our children the stories of Apollo, Zeus and Athena? Is it simply because they are fun entertaining stories, or do they teach us about human nature personified in the divine? I doubt many of us, short of our friend Kullervo, believe that they really exist and still sip ambrosia on Olympus. (Well, maybe he knows something we don't.) However, there are reasons that Homer and Ovid are still thoroughly read so many centuries later. Some of the best authors of fiction are the greatest illuminators of transcendent realities. Or, if you prefer pop culture; as Evey Hammond relates to V, in V for Vendetta, An artist uses lies to tell the truth.

So, I can easily believe that even though Joseph Smith didn't actually see Deity, angels and long dead prophets; he still had a few enlightening things to think about. While I reject his claim as a prophet of the one True and living corporeal omnipotent Father in Heaven, I don't have to reject everything he said as a simple lie. Mormonism holds many truths and admirable pursuits of truth. However, when Mormonism uses dogma as a weapon and alienates the already marginalized ( thank you for today's example Mr. Hafen) they fail in their search of truth.

Not, surprisingly this is all very difficult to explain to your average Mormon believer like our mothers. Hypatia's mother is still baffled why we would let our daughter go to church on occasion, if we think the church isn't True. Well, I don't believe the church is True, because it's doesn't have a monopoly on the ones it contains, and purports things that are far from anything resembling truth. There are other places to explore truth that are more enlightening for me at this point in my life. Like the man who crosses the river in the Buddha's teaching. I am grateful for where the boat of Mormonism has brought me. I would be foolish to carry it forever on my back, because of mere gratitude.

I can rely on Science to inform me of empirical truths about our wondrous physical world. However, it serves me little when seeking truths about love, compassion, charity and virtue. Philosophy and religious tradition seem better equipped. Darwin and Dawkins inform me of the former, Ecclesiastes and Epictetus on the latter. A religion may not be True, be it can share truths. I don't have to leave everything behind as I explore new ideas.

But, try explaining that to my Mom.

The Binds that Tie

2009-09-14T07:29:00.000-07:00

I wrote the following letter to my mother the other day. It was designed to express my love and empathy, in hopes that we could come together in spite of our beliefs. I already posted it in my comments, but for those who haven't read it, here it is:

Mom,

Thank you very much for your letter. I carefully read it several times. I know how deeply concerned you are. It would be rather unfair of me to expect you to understand what I am thinking or going through. Although that is one of my greatest wishes, I cannot change what I cannot change. I will only say that my experience right now is significant and wondrous. I am excited about life as never before. There is no despair or fear in me, only love. Although I don't have all the answers and have some confusion I do not see that as negative, but rather as an inspiring opportunity. I love you and I love my family dearly, family is the most important this in my life. You are not lost to me.

I thought that my discussion with Dad was very enlightening and helpful. A contest about these issues, however, I think would only serve to drive us apart and fortify our own opinions at this time. That is the total and complete opposite of what I want. I think, rather than try to see what is right and what is wrong, or what is false what is true; we should ask different questions and shift our paradigm. How can we draw closer as a family right now and, how can we have better communication even if we currently hold differing opinions?

The only thing I can think to say right now is that I love you very much and that I have always admired your resolve, your talents, your compassion and capacities both as a mother and as an individual. If everyone had parents like I had, I think that this world would be a much brighter place. That is not meant as a sugary comment to appeal to your ego, but an honest assessment of my observation of my experiences. Every child should be more open about these things with their parents, I'm sorry I haven't always told you this while I was growing up, I should have said I love and appreciate you more often. The great news is there's always time to change. Thank you again for all you have done, all you are doing, and all that you will continue to do for me and my family. You are in my thoughts and I hope that we can find peace together.

Love,

Marcus

I felt pretty confidant that I could open a more constructive dialogue with her. I hoped she would be impressed with my composure and the calm and even tone. Well, I should have known better, this letter was the response I received.

I am your Mother. I went through the pain of bringing you into this world. I was mainly the one to experience the heart break and joy watching you grow stumbling and occasionally falling. I was the one to hold you in my arms to comfort your tears. I was the one to protect you from being unfairly treated or abused as best I could. I was the one that let you experience abusive treatment hoping you would stand up for yourself. I'm the one that made sure your childhood was filled with memorable moments that you could cherish. I'm the one that taught you about family and the traditions of our fathers, about our Savior and about His atonement and that families can be together forever. I'm the one that loves you so deeply. They say that when the love is so great so is the pain. AND I have the right to chide you.

This is my tough love for you, I believe you are choosing the easy way. No more twinges of guilt when you go to church being reminded of things that are not right in your life, no more twinges because you haven't done home teaching or fulfilling your priesthood duties, no more reminder of the saving ordinance because you aren't wearing your garments and no more money worries for tithing. I can see how you could feel relief.

I'm not happy about your choice, and I never will be.

I leave my testimony to you: That Faith is an inner choice based on belief in eternal promises and trust in God’s plan. True faith knows that the goal is to make His will my will and to trust God whatever comes in the meantime. Keeping faith no matter what happens ... Isn’t that what the tests of life are all about?

Either the gospel of Jesus Christ and all the scriptural promises are true, or all is lost. Either the Atonement is real, or I have nothing to hope for. Either the Resurrection is literal, or I have nothing to look forward to. Either God and Jesus are loving, merciful and able to cleanse and heal, or nothing makes sense.

I choose to keep the faith. I choose hope; the alternative emptiness is unbearable.

The Savior stands at the door and knocks, waiting for an invitation to enter. However, the adversary is the great intruder. He does all he can to bombard our thoughts with doubt, fear, negativity, and discouragement. However, I need not claim those thoughts as my own or feel guilty for them unless I invite them in to stay! I can choose to replace them with thoughts of faith in Christ and His promises.

I am convinced that all fearful, discouraging or doubtful thoughts are an attack from the adversary. The Holy Ghost never introduces them into my mind. Never. This member of the Godhead is my Comforter.

There are days when doubt and pain try to rear their ugly heads again, but that sweet, simple, little word FAITH takes on the strength, character, and courage to knock down those negative feelings. One truly has to ‘be still and know that I am God’.

Jesus Christ lived here on the earth he atoned for my sins and died for me on the cross. I chose his plan. A mighty servant Joseph Smith restored all things. A simple farm boy (as you put it) divinely translated the Book of Mormon with all it's promises and blessings and it is another testament of Jesus Christ. I chose life after by entering in to the Lords house to be sealed to my loving and supportive companion your father. I chose to have you beautiful children with all the hardships sacrifices and love. And because of his great mercy and love he has left servants the living prophets to guide us home. This is my testimony.

And since I know that this too will make you feel guilty I will not write often. But occasional as the spirit directs me you will hear more testimonies. So I leave you with a quote from your beloved philosophers.

Dante, in the Divine Comedy, wrote: “In His will is our peace.”

Dad and others may be mad at me for writing this way but I need to express what I feel to you.

Love Mom

So there seems to be a communicative disconnect here. Am I ever going to have a an even discussion with her? I don't know. I guess I should accept that I can't change her response. Still it's disappointing.

The overall irony, besides her judgmental non-Christ like reaction, is the assumption that this is the easy road. So, apparently the fact that I am risking complete alienation from all my friends family and community over my search for truth and peace is, easy. The scorn, judgments and ridicule are so easy to face, not to mention that my only support system left is my wife. All of my friends and family are members of the church. Yes, mom, this is the easiest thing I've ever done.

quadruple plus sigh

The Conundrum

2009-09-10T07:41:00.000-07:00

So the brutal battle for my everlasting soul has begun. 3 of the 4 parents have fired off letters laden with scriptures and warm fuzzy stories to try to drag us back to the light. Only my father seems capable of a mutually respectful conversation devoid of sanctimonious overtones, and is willing to recognize nuance.

I can't blame the others though. It's the only means the church provides for bringing back wayward souls. It's not as if I haven't poured over these scriptures for years and put my whole heart and sincerity upon them, and wanted with all my heart to believe exactly what they are. Alma 32 in my scriptures is so marked and crossed referenced with notes that you can barely read anything anymore. I spent an entire month on my mission studying that one chapter alone. That's almost an hour of study for each single verse.

Still they send these verses as if I'd just never read it, or pondered it or studied out in my mind. Because Mormonism says that any sincere seeker of truth will find that the Book of Mormon is true. End of story. Furthermore, to my Mother, faith is the end all of being, if an empirical fact says something contrary to her idea of faith, she would deny it outright. How can I communicate with her?

She holds the rosy perfect picture of the church, with out blemish stain or fault. It is her rock and foundation and nothing in the world could take her faith away ( her words). This being the case, it is absolutely impossible for her to fathom why her once zealous son can abandon his faith. It boggles her mind. The only way for me to help her understand what I am thinking is to present to her certain facts about the church that I find deeply troubling, and to attempt to express how I feel about it. Doing this is problematic for several reasons.

1.) The facts could shake her faith and cause an existential crisis that will strip her of her safe and secure faith. Causing possible depression, anxiety and despair. What kind of a son would want to bring that upon a mother or any loved one? Why would I want to destroy someone's faith just so I could be understood. That seems like the height of selfishness.

2.) She will choose not to listen or deny any carefully researched argument I present. It would only serve to sustain her belief that I indulged in anti-Mormon rhetoric, and sought to destroy my faith because life is just easier that way.

3.)This could initiate a long and bitter argument over what is historical/doctrinal/religious fact, or if such facts exists. I have no interest in combating apologetics, I've poured over that as well, its not satisfying to be on either side of that debate. It will undoubtedly only serve to drive a wedge between us, which is the polar opposite of what I am trying to achieve.

4.) Presenting something that is opposed to her world view will only serve to solidify her bias and steel her resolve. (e.g. the persecution complex) Furthermore, she could take personal offense to what ever is presented because it challenges things sacred to her. This would cast a more damning light upon me, as a supposed servant of dark spirits seeking to bring others astray. Once again this would no doubt hurt our relationship.

So, what to do?

What do I say?

I've tried to tell her how much I love and appreciate her concern. That alone seems inadequate.

It leaves her with the gaping question of why. The why is answered by the committee designed responses. He didn't pray hard enough, he wasn't faithful enough, he sinned, he was offended, he was seduced by evil spirits, he is proud and learned. That last one seems to be my mother's favorite at the moment. The irony is I fully admit my vast ignorance and realize that I can be totally wrong. She doesn't share that capacity, yet I am the prideful one.

So here I am, stuck; trying desperately to salvage the relationship I have with my mother. I have no clue what to do.

ideas?

Father Knows Best

2009-09-09T06:38:00.000-07:00

If you've read the last few posts, then your aware of the massive explosive response from our families about our distancing from the church. Hypatia got cornered by her nosy and overbearing mother. My wife is incapable of any falsehood or dishonesty, so when she was hit with direct answers about the church, she had no other alternate but to spill the beans.

What ensued was very ugly.

Despite our wishes that I allowed to inform my parents about the full extent of my belief/disbelief, Hypatia's mother went behind my back and send my mom an email. I figured this out when I got a phone call from my inconsolable mother. Between sobs and tears she told me that she had lost me and my daughter. She couldn't understand how I could jeapoardize our salvations like that. I asked her if I should continue my whole life trudging through church, even if I never believe. Immediatly she said YES! She made it clear that the church is the only way to go through life.

All attempts to calm and ally her fears proved pretty futile. I emphasized how much I loved her and that our family was the most important part of my life. I also said that I would always pursue peace love and harmony and emphasize that in our home. It did very little, unfortunatly. I hadn't heard my mother that distraught since the death of my grandmother. It made me physically sick.

I was trying to let them down slowly, but that wasn't an option for me anymore. It was time for damage control. Naturally I have some very very dark thoughts for Hypatia's mother. I know that's worng and that I should take the high road. I will. I'm just furious right now.

So I spent the day with everything looming over me. Awaiting the call I knew I would recieve from my father.

It came that evening. We had a very long and rational talk about religon and philosphy. It was devoid of accusation, condemnation and fear. It was very enlightening and respectful. My father was a bishop, so I knew he would be a bit more savvy about things. As it turns out, my dad is more of a liberal believer than I thought. It was very refreshing. This is not to say he was not concerned about me and dissapointed with my current descision. I could deal with that. Kids dissapoint their parents all the time.

My dad and I talked about how upset my mom was. I as it turns out one of the big things she's worried about is when my sister gets married. I will be unable to go to the temple, and then everyone will know. I don't think my mom likes the idea of having raised the black sheep . All my family on my dad's and most on my mom's side is full active, returned missionaries, sealed in the temple. Judgements will fly. I said that were just going to have to cross that bridge when we get to it.

In the end all he asked was that I not discard those parts of Mormonism that I admire, and that I convey them to my daughter. I agreed, and think that is good idea. Prehaps his calm came from his conviction that I will eventually find my way back to the faith of my youth. He seemed rather emphatic that this will be the case. I was not one to dispell that notion, although I don't agree with that assesment, I can't divine what the future will bring. There are no absolutes.

Meanwhile My father-in-law had sent a letter to Hypatia's mother that seemed to calm her down. He appears to also have a very calm and reasoned approach to our situation. As it turns out, he too thinks that we will eventually find our way back to the church.

That night after the phone call with my dad I felt tremendous relief. It was all out on the table, and I was pretty sure my parents hadn't disowned me. As I talked with my wife, we found it interesting that both of our mothers went into an emotinal tirade and brought condemnation over our heads, whereas our fathers were much more rational and calm about the whole thing. I thought it was an interesting gender distintion. My wife bristled at the idea it was a gender difference and a associated with Relief Society culture as opposed to preisthood culture.

So that's were we are. No where to go but up.

Ad astra per aspera

Thank You

2009-09-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

Everyone who reads this, things are getting kind of ugly. My mom contacted Marcus's parents behind his back, and told them flat out we were leaving the church... which Marcus hadn't been ready to fully do yet.

There is a lot of turmoil going on around us, and we can't help but be upset with how our parents have reacted to everything. I guess I'm posting because it would be great if everyone could send us some good energy, whether that be a prayer if you believe in prayer, or even some good feelings and thoughts in our direction. I believe that positive attitudes and mindsets can make a difference in any situation, and that is really helped by positive people giving their support in any way they know how.

I am so thankful that there is such an online support system, when we have no one near us with whom we can be frank. Thanks everyone who's commented and shown their support thus far. We really appreciate all the kind words of support we've received so far, and we believe we can get through this.

Just right now... it's a HUGE pain.

And it gets better... and by better, I mean $@#%tastic!

2009-09-07T19:53:00.000-07:00

Worried that she would somehow try to get a hold of Marcus's sister on the mission, I wrote this email to her:

Mom,

I just want you to know that these discussions are between YOU and ME, you don't have a right in talking to Marcus's family about this. Marcus has been talking with his parents about these issues, and I'm sure they wouldn't tell his sister who is on a mission about it, because it would be ridiculous to add that stress to her when she can't do anything about it anyways. She should focus on her mission, no t on family issues here in the states. That would be unfair.

Love you,

Hypatia

And this was the glorious response:

I will never talk to the Sister. I just want to know from the parents. I want to be able to pray and have their prayers also...Am I not able to draw on the powers of heaven and get all the help I can get. I´m sure Marcus’s parents are concerned about their son and his family. Marcus used to love the Church. Besides, I don´t think Marcus has really talked to his parents. Unfortunately Hypatia, I am concerned about you, Marcus and Eve, and I am sure Marcus’s parents will appreciate to know the truth.
How would you feel if I committed suicide? If Eve did it? It should make no difference. To you the body is all, and we are the "moment". To me, the spirit is everything, and to me you are killing your spirit.
Unfair? Lets talk about unfair. You will lose Marcus and Eve.

Oh and Marcus and I just spent the last few hours trying to console/stand up to her her while she cried hysterically on the phone.

So yeah, we've been having loads of fun!

XP

A whirlwind of drama, accusations, and letters of condemnation

2009-09-07T15:24:00.001-07:00

The crap has hit the fan.

So yesterday, I told my mom my true feelings about the church. It really was only a matter of time. Over the past few weeks she has been prying and asking a lot of questions as to my faithfulness and church activity. I was successful in being evasive and in not answering her questions. But it got to a breaking point yesterday.

Fortunately, for me, she was out of the country when she asked me on the phone yesterday. "Did you go to church?" I told her I didn't. She asked if I was going inactive. I told her, "kinda, yeah..."

Unfortunately for me, the next two hours of my life was consumed with me trying to explain myself, while my mom hammered me on the phone. She cried, she accused, she blamed, etc. etc.

She essentially told me I was a horrible person, and that I basically deceived everyone by getting married in the temple. And that I was dragging my family down with me. Then she said that she didn't like how her daughter had married someone who wasn't "man enough" to basically force the church down my throat.

She said a lot of really condescending kinds of things. A lot of it I have removed from my mind, but there was one particularly unnerving moment when she fretted about my daughter's future. I told her that I was going to teach her good things and to be a good moral person. But then she basically said my daughter was going to be promiscuous and have STDs because she had no real foundation without the church.

This really upset me. Then she said some other really hurtful things like that my husband, Marcus, would leave me eventually because deep down "he knows the truth at his core" and that he comes from a really stable LDS family and that he would "wise up" one day and leave me and take [our daughter] with him and marry a good mormon girl. She kept saying over and over (almost like a curse) that I was "going to lose my family."

Anyways, the phone call ended when she sat down and told me to open my scriptures to Alma 32. Which we read together. I was a little irritated that she was making me do that, but she said that I was hesitant because I was "scared" of what might happen if I read with her. So I did. Just to appease her. Then she tearfully asked to talk to my husband, told him to read Alma 32 as well. After finishing with my husband, he gave the phone back to me and she told me how much she loved my daughter and sobbed while she said good bye.

The conversation continued this morning through msn messenger. And unfortunately I forgot to save the conversation before I logged off, but she asked me if I was wearing my garments, implied that I was making some really horrible choices because I work outside the home and my husband stays at home with the baby, and that I was ever so prideful.

I told her I wanted her to watch a video, that it would help her understand my point of view. Before the video loaded for her apparently, she took her time to write me this email (my words in brackets):

Sis [my nickname]...I haven’t yet seen it, But the other videos that are next to the main one.....well doesn’t seem to be good. It is still loading so I am using this time to write you. Hmmmmm...It is still not opening, but I am taking time to read the comments below it.....Well, well Hypatia. It seems to me that you have been spending a lot of time in the things that are out to destroy your religion. Never mind that. To destroy your spirit.

You are being dragged right down to where you want to be. Your whole life then up to now has become a lie, and you are putting yourself in danger of losing your family. But who cares, if you are being true to yourself that is what counts. I tell you that you are wrong. Marcus will stay with you until he comes to his senses. There will be a lot of people praying for him. His family must know of your apostasy.

Go on your good merry way to dispose of all you´ve known. Like I said before, when you will look back all you will see is desolation. Lives shattered. You are working to the destruction of your own child’s life, but.....to you what matters is you. You will do what you want to achieve and excuse whatever you want. If you don´t want to share where you stand and how much [Marcus’ parents] are aware, I will have to find out for myself.

I will love you forever, but I will not condone your errors. This thing about....This is my life and it is how I want to live it now, is a selfish falsehood. It is not your life. Not anymore! You have dragged people in when you chose to get married. When you chose to have a baby. It seems to me like you want to have your cake and eat it too. You want relationships to stay as they are and people to respect you for what you have become, even if you used to be one person and chose now to be another.

My heart aches because of what you are doing, because you are only seeking to destroy your past to paint a glorious worldly future. You want acknowledgment because in Church you are invisible(by your own doing and choice) Your biggest and in the end your ONLY contribution will be the one you make in your home and for your child or children. You can achieve it even if you work. Don´t fool yourself thinking the that reverting of Father/Mother roles are inconsequential. It is not good for Eve to have 2 Fathers or 2 Mothers. [Yeah, yeah, I know. This part especially makes no sense.]

Use your talents to bring to pass the furthering of the Kingdom of God for your own posterity’s sake.
If you can´t do this, because you will be lying to yourself, then it is YOUR RESPONSABILITY to open our eyes.

If you are not able to do this and all you can say is "it is better for me, religion is for some people but not for me" then you are selfish. You do not want to make a difference. You just want what you want. Because it is either true or not true, and someone who loves another will not let the ones they love just keep on being deceived. Please save me from the ignorance I live in. I want to be happy like you are. I want to find myself and know who I am.

Too bad Sis you did not go after these things earlier, because you would not drag others into it all.

I believe in the Church and I believe that Sis. K. [Marcus’ sister who is one a mission] must be able to have the chance to pray for her Brothers Family. Do not deceive anyone else any longer.
SPEND THE SAME TIME THAT YOU DO FOR SECULAR THINGS READING AND LEARNING THE SCRIPTURES.

I truly love you!

Mom

So as you can see, my mother is the stereotypical TBM, who sees the world in black and white (although slightly more vitriolic than most). Then about an hour later. I got this email:

Dear Hypatia, I listened to the 57min 34sec video. Very good! I hope you know that I love you. It is a matter of testimony I guess. I finally gained one the summer that [my brother] left on his Mission. I am thankful that even on borrowed testimony I took you to Church. I hope you can be happy. Love you forever, Mom :)

I wonder how long this will last. :P

Bishops, Councilors and Elders oh my!

2009-08-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

So my slow and steady attempt to reveal my disbelief/heresy/apostasy/(insert pejorative here), is seeming to accelerate beyond my control. Perhaps this is a good thing. I've been fighting with the cognitive dissonance for most of my life. I've been maintaining the facade for far too long. Facades, by nature are fragile balsa wood creations that were never meant for permanent exposition. I suppose it's time to take the tattered set down.

When we moved in to the current ward in which we reside, we thought we'd see how long we could last. Little by little I found my self backing away to preserve my sanity, and to prevent me from jumping up in Sunday school , ripping out my hair and shouting "I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!" So to prevent such un-Sunday School like conduct, I found myself not going to Priesthood, then not going to Sunday School. We'd go to sacrament just so we could say yep, went to church when the fam would ring up and ask about our Sabbath worship.

Thankfully my calling was of a small and slightly secular nature, so I managed to magnify it with a modicum of magnanimity. None-the-less, the vigilant eagle eyes of the Bishopric did not let my passive participation go otherwise unnoticed. Perhaps is a Freudian way, I really wanted them to realize that I didn't buy the version of Mormon-aide that everyone was peddling. To make matters worse, I really respected this Bishopric, they're good guys doing the best they can. I didn't want to offend. I really wanted to be frank with the Bishop, but I was hesitant.

Anyway, they went into save the lost lamb mode and sent visitors to our house to "see if there was anything they could do to help." I was away while the 1st and 2nd councilors visited my wife. They asked a lot of vague questions about how things were. They didn't come out and actually say what they were thinking. I don't blame them. A few days later the Missionaries showed up.

So, this is what it feels like on the other side.

It was almost comical. I knew exactly why they were here. I knew exactly what they were trying to do. I knew exactly how they were going to go about doing it. It felt slightly condescending, but mostly humorous. We chatted for a bit, the were well meaning and well mannered. Classic Elders in other words.

What came next was no surprise.

Yesterday, after Sacrament meeting, it was requested that I meet with the Bishop. Finally. I should have done this months ago, but was too timid to just speak my mind. He cordially ushered me into his office. After some hasty chatter with some auxiliary leaders that lingered about, we sat alone.

He first asked about how we were doing temporally. It could always be better I said, but we're doing just fine. Then he got down to business, and asked about spiritual matters. What ensued was a very cordial and understanding conversation. I simply said that my wife and I don't believe in the church and in organized religion in general. I made it a point to assuage his fear of any offense performed on the part of his flock. We don't mind the people, just what the people teach.

Before I could even finish my sentence about why we were still attending, he interjected and said the word family. I wonder how common an occurrence this is in this particular ward? Anyway, he himself had left the church for a long time, and still has children that don't attend. So I think he was a bit more understanding than most. There were no requests to prayerfully consider the gravity and eternal consequences of my decision, nor was he particularly condescending ( only slightly condescending at times :D ). He's a pragmatic fellow, and played his part very well.

He only had one request, that I help out with teaching members about growing their own food, because of the welfare situation in the ward. Since that's one of my great passions, I was eager to volunteer. He said it wasn't contingent on my activity in the church that I perform this task. I fully understand that he wants to keep me in connection with the church so one day I might see my terrible mistake. That's fine. I don't mind helping out my fellow man either, so in the end we both win.

I was relieved that that portion was all over, but was filled with mixed emotions, I was pretty emotionally drained. It seems tangible and real to me now. This had been in the works for a long time. It's all a bit surreal that I'm actually starting out on a new journey.

A while ago Hypatia and I were watching Joseph Campbell's Power of Myth. He talked about the Hero's Path, and how it was a life of not admired and most often scorned by the establishment. It, however, is a life of danger and mystery, where one carves out ones own destiny. At the time, I thought I was just going to envy others on their heroic journeys as I sat complacently in my Platonian cave. It sounded too risky. As time went on, I found my self packing for my trip, and slowly leaving the safety of my cavernous home. Now this is where I find myself, on the precipice of the new and unknown. It is all at once exciting and terrifying, one thing is for sure, there is no lack of emotions. It seems a bit daunting, but I am very optimistic.

Next stop my family!..

...ugh

Precarious Predicaments

2009-08-09T08:49:00.000-07:00

My mom recently came back into town. She'd been out of the country for about three months. I think I've mentioned a few times before that we have a pretty strained relationship, but although I would get a knot in my stomach every time she called when she first came back, or when she came to visit, I became more and more at ease because she seemed to be more Dr. Jekyll and little or no Mr. Hyde.

Anyways, that changed the other day when we had a stupid argument on something of little consequence which my mother proceeded to blow out of proportion. Anyways, toward the end of the disagreement, which lasted way more than it should have even after I said over and over that I was sorry if I did anything wrong and that we should stop arguing (ironically, my mother was upset for me saying that she was giving me a guilt trip, and then she proceeded to give me a guilt trip for saying that). Anyways, the following events ensued:

So my mom is finally calming down and she asks me if I have the latest issue of the Ensign.

"I don't get the Ensign," I say.

Wide eyed look of disappointment ensues... "Why not?"

I shrug my shoulders and think, Because I don't agree with its teachings.

"Well, I will make a copy of the article I read when I thought of you," she says and proceeds to grab the Ensign which is sitting on her dining room table and runs over to the scanner/copier/printer in the office.

"You know I can just look at the article online at home, mom. Just tell me the name and I'll read the article online," I say, following her into the office.

"No," she says curtly, "I'm going to print it out for you right now so I know that you read it. Paper. Paper! Where is the paper?!" She runs over to the closet and frantically checks the shelves for paper.

"Mom, it's OK you don't need to---"

"I'm gone and everything gets moved around!" She starts yelling for my brother who's webcamming with his fiancee and she yells, "Where's the paper?!"

"In the closet!" he yells back.

"No it's not! You guys (meaning my brother and my dad) put it somewhere it's not supposed to be!"

I interject, "Mom, you really don't have to--"

"Hypatia, quit it! I want to do something and that's that! Your brother needs to TELL ME WHERE THE PAPER IS!"

I hear a grunt of frustration in the other room. My brother briskly walks in, walks right into the closet, pulls a stack of paper from under the lowest shelf, places it on the desk, and walks out of the room.

"It was never there before!" my mom yells to him.

"Yes it was!" he yells back.

The whole time I'm on edge because my mom is in one of those moods, and I don't want to really set her off.

She places the article, which is the visiting teaching message Seek Education and Lifelong Learning, on the scanner. After freaking out about how she couldn't find the right button, I walk over and push it for her and it starts to scan.

She takes the copy once it prints and gives it to me. "It's about learning, and I know how much you like learning, so I thought you would appreciate it." I can see tears forming in her eyes, a red flag.

"Thanks I say," I take the paper and turn towards the door. "Well I gotta go, it's late. Love you."

I walk outside and my mom follows me. She stops me before I can get in the car.

"Wait," she says, "I have something spiritual to share with you."

Uh oh.

"Mothers are supposed to be spiritual guides for their children, and I have a scripture to share with you."

She proceeds to tell me that I need to fight the natural man. Or whatever that's supposed to mean. She says I need to do what the lord wants until that is the natural thing to do and not what was natural before.

This confuses me, and I say, "But if you do something until it's natural to do it then aren't you back to square one?"

Now she looks confused. And says that I am being silly and that I know what she means. (Which I think I do now that I've thought about it, but I'm still not sure.) Anyways, she proceeds to tell me that although she didn't do a lot of right things, the one thing she did do right was share the scriptures with me.

"I don't have much," she says, tears now flowing freely. "But I have the scriptures! That at least I can pass on to you."

I feel like someone's punching my insides. "You have more than that to give me," I finally say.

"I know I'm not the greatest person. But at least the scriptures give me strength," she says as if I didn't just say what I said.

"But that's not all you have to give, you have a lot to give," I say getting into the car.

"Uh huh," she says. "Well be safe, call me when you get home."

I cry as I drive home.

How on earth can I tell her how I feel about church, when it seems that's the only thing in her eyes that's holding our relationship together?

Evolution of my Exit

2009-08-08T08:33:00.000-07:00

So, thanks to some small hints I've dropped about my religious doubts, my parents took the occasion of my recent visit to confront me about them. I was actually rather relieved for the opportunity. Most of the time I think my mom likes to ignore issues that make her uncomfortable. That being said, she has become very concerned that I am not a rank and file believer.

I was afraid this would happen, and I knew it would. The last thing I want to do is get my family all riled up simply because we don't agree about points of metaphysical spirituality. Thus, my attempt to let them down very slowly about my disbelief in the church.

We talked for 3 hours on such fun subjects as The temple, Prophets, Faith, the Spirit, Prop 8, and some other great hits. Because this was our first discussion about these things, I was very vague and didn't care to articulate any points of fact, simply to voice my questions.

As I expected they were pretty much took the conservative view of the church, and responded with Sunday School answers. My father is a bit more inclined to view things figurative and as metaphor. My mother however is very literalistic about many things.

They towed the party line as far as Prop 8 was concerned. My father was adamant that the only reason gay people want to marry is so they can adopt children and have tax breaks and legal rights. Furthermore, gay people are incapable of raising a well adjusted child. And thus we see the degradation of American society. So, apparently all the terrible heterosexual parents won't do the trick, but the tiny minority of children raised by a small number of homosexuals sure will. Beware the minion children of married gays! They will make your clothes fashionable and your houses full of tastful decor! Ahhh society is degrading ahhhhh! Of course, I didn't even think about being snarky like that.

I know that they will never change their minds about the issue. So, nothing I said really had an impact, even though they couldn't respond to some of my issues. I made it a point to be dispassionate and not even use all of the facts in my arsenal. It was getting awkward enough as it was.

In the end, they simply concluded that I was intellectualizing things too much. They said I couldn't use logic like I was. Basically my dad said that I need to keep reading and praying and doing the things I need to do. I should also just do what I need to and the answers will come when I might not looking. He further said, that it may not make sense, but that's what he believes to be the right thing to do. I sheepish muttered, well, that's the Sunday school answer. He quickly responded that it was the right answer.

And that was that.

So the battle for my "immortal soul" has begun. My mom wrote me a letter asking me to trust the Spirit and have faith. I have responded with a letter of my own, using some of the ideas I've written about in the blog. I understand where she's coming from. I just wish it wasn't such a big deal. The church is everything to my family its in our DNA. This isn't going to be easy.

Reading this article gave me an occasion to bash my head on the keyboard...

2009-07-10T19:37:00.001-07:00

And then people wonder why I want to leave this church?

My Wrestle with the Spirit

2009-07-09T17:05:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer:

*I doubt that I'll present any original ideas here, I suppose this is more of my own personal experience with "the Spirit" and my issues with it as revealing truth. I suppose it's just selfish, but cathartic nonetheless. *

Ghosts can be warm and fuzzy too!

Mormonism teaches that the Spirit, or the Holy Ghost is the only way we can come to knowledge of Truth. I don’t think this fact is in debate.

4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things. (Moroni 10:4,5)

Rather than Bible bash, missionaries are encouraged to teach with the Spirit, because it is the only way that people can be brought to the truth. The Spirit is the only true tool for conversion.

Personally I do not believe that there is such a thing as the Spirit, and if it did exist, I think it is a very poor judge of truth.

As taught by the church, the way we feel the Spirit is through: “a burning the bosom”, good feelings, peace, love harmony, clarity of thought, a warm fuzzy or any other number of very ethereal amorphous indefinite feelings. I think that the Spirit is simple emotionalism supported by confirmation biases and psychosomatically induced feelings.

It’s like a placebo. Lets say you have a headache. You are offered a pill that a person of medical authority states will improve your condition. In reality the medicine is an inert sugar pill that looks like its real. You take the pill, convinced that it will help your headache. Low and behold your headache subsides. Was it the inert pill, or was it the power of your own mind?

I conclude that Placebos are a lot like the Spirit. We are told over and over and over by leaders in authority in the church and in scripture, that if you read scriptures, pray, go to church etc you will feel the spirit. What is the result for many people? They feel good when they pray, they feel peace when they read about love and peace in the scriptures; they have the “warm fuzzy” in a church they have attended all their lives and feel very comfortable in.

Are these experiences the divine confirmation of a universally omnipresent amorphous spirit without a body but one of personage that is in congress with two equally powerful and immortal beings of Omniscient power that are intimately concerned with not only my welfare but that of every other human being that has ever existed on the face of the earth? Or, is it simply your own mind telling you that doing good thing makes you feel good? I appeal to Occam’s razor, a tool in logic that states that the explanation of any phenomenon should make as few assumptions as possible, eliminating those that make no difference in the observable predictions of the explanatory hypothesis or theory. In other words, the simplest answer is usually the best.

Like Placebos, the Spirit doesn’t always work. Sometimes, you still have a headache after taking a placebo. Sometimes people who read the book of Mormon, obey all the commandments, do all that is required of them, and sincerely pray for an answer, never feel the Spirit. I have been I this category many times, especially with the Book of Mormon.

I was told that if I did all of those things I would receive and answer. I spent many sleepless nights on my knees praying with fervor to receive an answer. I dutifully did all that was required of me and more. I tried with all my fervor to be the most obedient I could be. My answer was usually static. I took this to mean I was unworthy and furthered myself into one of my frequent teenage depressions. Finally after wanting so badly to have an answer, I had a “good” feeling. This “good” feeling was no different from, looking at a beautiful work of art, hearing a glorious symphony or drinking hot cocoa on a cold day.

In fact, one could argue, that my most spiritual experiences were communing with nature or being exposed to beautiful, but secular art. This confused me, how does looking at a Rembrandt fill me with more joy and clarity than reading about righteous ole Nephi. In fact confusion, rather than clarity of thought, followed me on my journey through Mormonism.

To be honest I shelved my thoughts and just plowed on with blinders, ignoring the glaring questions I had. I thought I was a unique problem, but that was not the case. On my mission there were many rational intelligent investigators who sincerely had prayed about the Book of Mormon and received no answer. The reverse was true of some individuals though, who had spiritual confirmations about things that were decidedly untrue.

I mentioned the false statements given in my ward a few weeks ago. Is this not a testament to the ineffectiveness of "the Spirit" to discern truth? Apparently the good brother was moved to such an emotive state, that those in the congregation would attribute it to the power of the Spirit. Yet the statement he gave was absolutely 100% fallacious. So wasn't it simply an emotional response to a preconceived bias?

I have heard people try to explain away situations like this as spiritual junk food, and that it is truly difficult sometimes to discern your feelings from the spirit. I don’t think there is any difference between the two. It just seems too convenient that sometimes you feel it when your worthy but sometimes you don’t and it’s hard to define, quantify or identify.

It seems vague enough to “reveal” whatever truth you want to prove. After all Pentecostals, FLDS, Jehovah Witnesses, Adventists etc are all convinced that they have the truth and receive that confirmation through the “Spirit.” How do you know that you have the right Spirit and they have the wrong Spirit? Do you pray about it so you receive a good feeling? Well they pray about it too and they receive a good feeling too. Who’s right? Who’s deceived by the devils so called spirits? According to the vague rules of the Holy Ghost there is no way to tell. I reject using it as a way of coming to a knowledge of truth.

This has been and will continue to be the main reason I reject Mormonism. I do not feel the Spirit that is required in order to suspend my rational mind in order to believe in the improbable fantastic supernatural events and beings purported by the church. Any “spirit” I have felt is more than easily explained away by the placebo effect or psychosomatically induced feelings.

Why I have to Leave

2009-06-30T10:41:00.001-07:00

Being a father now allows me to reflect upon my childhood, and realize that I was raised by the most exceptional of parents. The constant unconditional love and support I received from them will be hard to match as I raise my daughter. They taught me virtue. They taught me goodness. They taught me to think for myself. My father's favorite bits of wisdom to share with his children were:

It is not meet that I should command in all things...Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward. (D&C 58:25-28)

and

I teach them correct principals and they govern themselves. -Joseph Smith

In other words my father taught us what was good, and he then expected us to do good of our own volition, not from coercion. He didn't micro-manage, but expected excellence. It was a great analogy of the fundamental tenant in Mormon theology; agency. God wanted to present a choice, Satan wanted to oblige. Even now, in my unbelief, I see great wisdom in those words and ideas. They echo my own Jeffersonian ideals of government and humanity in general. Do unto others, this is Christ's greatest teaching.

Ironically these teachings were, perhaps, my first mental break from the doublespeak and controls presented by the Church. At BYU, rather than encountering an environment where we were treated like adults taught good principals, I found an Orwellian environment so concerned about obedience and image. The most paradoxical of all was the oxymoron known as the "honor code". Honor, by definition is to hold in respect or to esteem. How spying on others and reporting them to the Honor code office is holding them, or yourself, in esteem or respect is inexplicable. Yet tattling was an essential part of the "code".

A list of obliging rules that would make even the pharisees blush accosted me. I thought, are we children? Are we sheep? Now I realize that that is exactly how the leaders of the church view the members; as sheep, vapid inert objects that will either be influenced by the devil, or driven by the light. The capacity for agency and self reflection is paid lip service, but it is denied almost universally in practice. I was under the impression that obligation was Satan's preferred method.
Furthermore independent thought is deeply scorned.

If we have the truth, it cannot be harmed by investigation. If we have not the truth, it ought to be harmed. -J. Ruben Clark

I then saw that any attempt to present simple objective church history was suppressed by the church, as exemplified by the September six and others. Such paranoid behavior and censorship is befitting communist totalitarian regimes Members are encouraged to appeal to the authorities of the church for their guidance and morality. Any other way of thinking is maligned as "the philosophy of men" or "relative morality" .

I find the last term particularly ironic, as the church seems to practice their own sense of morality when it comes to willfully deceiving members of the church about it's history and other suspect practices. More over, I was appalled to see the proposition 8 fiasco. Why did my supposedly apolitical church decide to muster it's strength to take away rights of people in another state, and then celebrate it's passage. Then have the temerity to ask why all the "persecution" should befall them afterward.

The Church has a repeated history of censorship, obstruction, coercion, lying, deception, and dubious practices. On the very moral grounds that I was taught by my parents, I must leave, and not just because I reject the faith itself. It is my duty as a person of professed ethical character, to disassociate myself from it's organization. I acknowledge that no group or church is perfect. I also acknowledge that church does a great deal of good to its members and in humanitarian efforts. This may be true, but rather than presenting itself as a flawed but earnest church, it boldly declares that it is the only true church on the face of the whole earth, and the only path to reach God. It's presentation is absolute good, when it flirts a great deal with devious actions.

The church loves absolutes: black and white, night and day, good and evil. I don't agree with absolutes. The world is far more nuanced to deal in absolutes, although they may exist. I believe that I can conduct myself as a far better person out of the church than in it. I'd rather teach my child truth to the best of my ability, rather than administer the hopeful wishes of religion. I want my child to do much good of her own free will and bring to pass much virtue, because she is an agent unto herself, NOT because she fears retribution of an angry God, or the unprovable promises of a glorious celestial afterlife. She has the right to grow and develop free from the oppressive mind bending guilt trips, depression, and self loathing that many in the church experience. If she so chooses baptism in the Church, she may do so when she is older, with my full support. My greatest wish is that becomes a virtuous member of the human race, not that she performs perfunctory ordinances for an improbable exultation.

Our finite existence is too short to be consumed with the mostly banal factoids taught in church. The mysteries and wonders of the natural world are quite enough for our investigation. Love peace and harmony can easily be perused and enjoyed outside the confines of religion. We can be good for goodness sake, after all that's what my parents taught me.

My brother knows...

2009-06-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

Recently, I finally was able to speak with my brother about the fact that I won't be attending his sealing. We were sitting in the computer room, and he like a good uncle, was playing and laughing with my 16 month old daughter when I finally summoned up the courage. As I told him I wouldn't be at the sealing, tears came to my eyes (I wasn't sobbing or anything, but I was obviously emotional). I told him that I wasn't crying because I didn't believe in the church, I was crying because I felt like he might be disappointed in me for not being able to attend his sealing.
He sat their, quietly listening with a stoic look on his face. I honestly don't know what he was thinking for a while... He just listened to me.

I told him how I had been struggling with belief, or with a "testimony" for years, but how I finally was able to come out of my depression and internal anxiety when I realized the truth about myself: the fact that I didn't truly believe in the church, and that I never really did. I told him that I had always tried hard to be a good Mormon... that I tried to pray and read the scriptures, but that I always felt like I was trying to convince myself of something I felt deep down wasn't true. I told him of the problems I had with church history, of the fact that the church hides or isn't forthright about a lot of it and how to me that felt dishonest. I told him of how the Temple freaked me out, and how it felt "cultish" to me. At this point in the conversation, I realized I hit a buzz word because immediately he said, "we're not a cult!" I replied that I was merely telling him my point of view, and how I just didn't get the whole temple thing. He then asked me if I had gone to the temple recently, to which I replied, "no." Then he said, "Yeah, at first I was weirded out by it but then I got used to it." That's the thing I don't understand, if you're weirded out by something, why would you keep doing it? I spoke with my husband about this, and he made a really good point about how someone might feel ridiculous putting on a clown suit and dancing in public just on a whim (or for eternal salvation), but if they do it more and more, they get used to it, and it even becomes "normal" to them. But that still doesn't keep them from looking ridiculous....

Anyways, after I told him how I felt, and how I didn't want to go to church anymore, I asked him what he was thinking. He told me he wasn't mad at me but that he felt I needed to "be doing something." I asked him to clarify. I even said, if you want me to do something I'll do it. He just shrugged and said, "I don't know."

After a few silent moments I left the room to get a tissue, but when I came back, he was pretty much back to normal, as was I. We went to his room, and started playing video games as if the conversation we just had, never happened. My brother seemed to be totally cool. He was laughing and cracking jokes like he's always done with me, and I'm happy that he knows, so that when his wedding rolls around, it won't be a surprise...

He did say something interesting however, when he was in the process of trying to explain why I should believe the BoM to be true. He said something, and I'm paraphrasing, to the effect of, "I don't know if the BoM is true, I have faith that it teaches good things, but I don't know if it's literally true." The thing I found most intriguing about him saying this, is that I felt EXACTLY the same way a couple of years ago. Which leads me to wonder, if my brother (who is like me in many ways), is on a similar (but different part of) path. I'm not saying I think he's going to leave the church or anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if down the road he did. (Not that I'm going to try to convince him to leave, but if he asks me questions, then the pieces will fall where they may.)

Something slightly amusing happened about a week (a few days ago) after I talked to my brother about my true beliefs on the church. He's taking a college class on philosophy, and asked me for help. We then proceeded to talk about logical fallacies... some of note were the fallacy of the appeal to authority, appeal to ignorance, Post hoc, ergo propter hoc and a few more which can be found here. For some reason, the whole time we were talking about these fallacies, it felt like the conversation in between the lines seemed to be: this can be applied towards lots of things, and we see people use these fallacies all the time...*cough* church. I don't know, maybe it was just me... I wonder if he was thinking what I was thinking?

Recent Conversations with my Mother

2009-06-14T19:41:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to let my family down very very slowly with the news that I'm not exactly a rank and file believing member of the church, and for that matter question the existence of a supreme being. I know that in the end it will come as a big shock to them, and I honestly don't know what the outcome will be. I love them dearly and know them to be magnificent people, but I tread in uncharted waters. No one in my extended family even toys with the idea of not going to all three hours of church, let alone flat out doesn't believe. Granted that's pure speculation on my part, but that's what all outward appearances point to. I've talked about my family's ultra orthodoxy before, so I won't go into that. Let me simply say, things are going to be interesting.

To give you a few examples, recently I've been on the phone with my Mom a lot more than usual. This is due mainly to the fact she misses her granddaughter terribly. Anywho my mother called to congratulate my wife on her recent scholastic achievements. When she talked with me she said more or less the following:

" It's obvious you guys are doing all the right things, like going to church, reading your scriptures, praying etc. That's why your being so blessed."

I couldn't help but smile on the other end as I thought of how many of those assumptions were false.

"doing all the right things": well that all depends on whose morality you use. I'd say yes, a TBM would say no.

"Going to church": well yes, if you count begrudgingly and only because I feel I have an obligation to do my calling, and usually only for an hour.

"Reading Scriptures": no

"Praying": no

"etc": well, I blog about how I don't believe anymore and that the whole thing is painfully irrational to me now, so I don't think that would qualify the position of etc as she expressed.

So apparently we're being "blessed" for other reasons, such as the very intense hard work that my wife constantly bestows upon her schooling. It would be easy to cartoon this assumption as classic Mormon fare for the bizarre obedience = blessings equation. However, I know my mom. She's smart; she taught me that you only get out of life what you put into it, or as Benjamin Franklin put it, "God helps them who help themselves. " So I hope she meant that on top of all her hard work, Hypatia is being blessed by the man/woman/being/flying spaghetti monster upstairs. Still, obedience is a poor measure for success.

Tonight we had an entirely different chat. As is her custom she inquired after my daughter and how she was getting along. She then asked.

"Now that Eve is a little older have you two had the chance to go to the temple?"

There it was, my opening. The question upon which I initiated my entire gradual ground work of revealing my true thoughts.
I hesitated and then conversation went a little like this.

Me: "Well naaaw not really."

Mom: "ah, still too busy?"

Me: "mmmmm no not exactly."

Mom: silence

Me: fumbling mumbling " Mom, to be perfectly honest, I don't exactly like going to the temple...it's just too creepy for me. "

Mom: 'Well that's unfortunate."

We continued to chat for a little while longer. She didn't sound shocked, but did sound a little put out. I said that the whole thing just didn't do anything for me, I don't feel all the fantastic feelings that everyone else supposedly gets. She countered with motherly disappointment and suggested that I do an initiatory, because she's seen the blessings that come from doing them. She also talked about the peace she feels in the temple. I mentioned that I was glad that she feels good there and that people can find peace there, but that I found a forest or a mountain range far more spiritual than any man made artifice. She suggested that those things were "nice" but that the temple is the place where the Lord can truly tread.

That's when I decided I better stop and just let that small sliver of my doubt percolate into her cerebellum. I wasn't about to talk about weird masonic handshakes and signs, death oaths and why they were removed, Joseph and graments and him not wearing them when he died etc etc ad infinitum. I thought that this was a good begining. My family has always thought me to be the zealot, the paragon of righteous Mormon living. It's going to be hard to tell them the truth.

So should I, like the gospel, teach them step by step principal by pricipal about my unbelief. Or should I just do it like a band aid, quick and sudden.

Theortetical voicemail:

"Hi Mom, hi Dad. Were doing great, your granddaughter is cute as always, oh and by the way, I don't want to ever go to church again, I think the whole thinhg is a bit riducololus. Well ok, love you bye. "

I don't know. I think the slow and easy approach is best. What infuriates me is that this is such a huge deal in the first place. This is my belief system we're talking about here. I am an adult, I graduated from a university, I have a child. You think I could be able to act for myself and not be judged for my personal beleif system. Any other normal family wouldn't care so much if thier son or daughter wanted to be a rational skeptic. Ah but that's the thing about Mormonism, you can leave it, but it can't leave you alone. Yes I know, those are more assumtions, but I base this on what I've seen and read from other expereinces. All I know is that I'm frustrated and I should have to be frustrated.

double plus sigh

Authoritative False Statements

2009-06-13T07:48:00.001-07:00

Two Sundays ago the 1st councilor in the young men's presidency arose to speak. Naturally his topic was the youth of the church, and their magnificent struggle against the dire blows of "the World". Admittedly my attention wandered as my perfunctory keeping-up-appearances presence at church precludes a particular adoration of such topics. My ears perked, however, when, with great sobriety and visible emotion he regaled us with this fantastic anecdote.

Elder Packer said "You will ask someone in which time period they lived and you might hear,
I was with Moses when he parted the Red Sea , or "I helped built the pyramids or I fought with Captain Moroni. And as you are standing there in amazement, someone will turn to you and ask you which of the
prophets' time did you live in? And when you say Gordon B. Hinkley a hush will fall over every hall and corridor in Heaven, and all in attendance will bow at your presence. You were held back six thousand years because you were the most talented, most obedient, most courageous, and most righteous."

It was more or less some permutation of the aforementioned quote. He was visibly moved to tears, and everyone seemed to be gleaming with a glow of approval. Meanwhile I was resting my head in my hands recalling a little anecdote myself.

The LDS News on April 28, 2001 published the following:

President Boyd K. Packer, acting president of the Quorum of the Twelve, has released the following concerning a statement he is said to have made:

"We continue to receive reports of the distribution of a quote attributed to me which begins, 'The youth of the Church today were generals in the war in heaven,' and ends with the statement that when they return to heaven 'all in attendance will bow in your presence.'

"I did not make that statement. I do not believe that statement.

"The statement, on occasion, has been attributed to others of the First Presidency and the Twelve. None of the Brethren made that statement."

President Packer has sent a letter to mission presidents requesting their help in clarifying this matter among missionaries and members, and has had posted on some Internet sites carrying the statement a notice that he did not make this declaration.

I could talk at great length about the extreme arrogance of the fallacious quote or the absurdity of humans only having been around for 6,000 years. I ,however, will just go with the obvious.

Is this not a testament to the ineffectiveness of "the Spirit" to discern truth? Apparently the good brother was moved to such an emotive state, that those in the congregation would attribute it to the power of the Spirit. Yet the statement he gave was absolutely fallacious. So wasn't it simply an emotional response to a preconceived bias?

Although, as I later cruised on a few forums there were more than a few people who still clung to the statement as an indirect "truth". One person even went so far as to say even though President Packer doesn't believe it to be true, it doesn't mean it's not true. TBMs are really starting to make my head hurt. The lengths some are willing to go to bend "truth" to fit their world view is absurd. They'll even contradict their own authority figures as long as it preserves their vision of the way things are.

So 8 years after the correction was written by Packer, people are still using this fictional quote and distributing it in those annoyingly immortal chain e-mails. Is it any wonder how myths and legends start? It makes me where the brother got that quote in the first place, The Mormon Guide to Merely Anecdotal and Wildly Unsubstantiated Quotes of the Church? I'm sure you'll be able to order it from Desert Book soon if it's not already in circulation. I suppose he simply assumed it to be authoritative. But there I go assuming, and we all know what happens when you do that.

Sigh.

Nature and Me

2009-05-27T17:07:00.000-07:00

I really enjoyed reading a recent post from the blog Songs from the Wood. So I thought I'd post a link to it, as well as part of a comment I left under the blog entry:

A doctrine of Mormonism I’ve always really related to growing up (though not one that is preached from the pulpits on a regular basis) is the idea of the earth having a soul in and of itself. That rocks, plants, and animals all have souls and spiritual energy really rang true to me and still does today. The idea of being spiritually made of the same stuff as other life on earth humbles me to no end but doesn’t make me feel “less than the dust of the earth.” I have always felt more spiritually aware by a serene creek or in a quiet wood than sitting in Sunday school or being in a religious ceremony in a controlled environment like the LDS temple.

It really helps me when I see there were and are many others in the position I'm in now. In a way, it emboldens me to make decisions I know to be right. One day I will be open with my family about my true beliefs, and I'm starting to think that it will be one day very very soon.

This really really really sucks.

2009-05-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

I feel so trapped. My brother just called and told me he's officially engaged. I'm so excited and happy for him, but I'm also realizing just how crappy this situation is for me.

He was really adamant about me attending the sealing. I'm going to have to. I don't want to ruin his wedding day. It's his day.
My dear husband also made two really good points for lying:

1) If we don't attend the sealing and it comes to light that we don't believe in the church, the focus of the wedding will be taken off my brother and his wife-to-be and be put on us heathens.
2) The church isn't honest and hasn't been with me, so I shouldn't feel bad about being dishonest to it.

But the truth is, the idea of lying sickens me. I hate lying. Something I've always been is a truly honest person. I'm the kind of person who will drive back to the store if one of my grocery items was missed at the check out. The idea of lying to every one about my beliefs makes me sick inside. But I suppose it's better for me to feel sick, than have my mother have a nervous breakdown on my brother's wedding day. I don't want to hurt feelings. I don't want to damage relationships.

But I really think when it comes down to it, I'm just going to lie. I'll probably cry in the bishop's interview, but I can just spin that to mean "the spirit" is touching me. It will be like the time I last bore my testimony at girls camp. I just spouted a generic testimony to try to bring my withering faith to life. I sobbed while I did it. Every one thought I was really in "tune with the spirit" when the reality was quite the opposite. I felt like I was lying then, and I'm still lying today 6 years later.

I don't regret how I was raised, but I do hate what the culture of the church is doing to me, what it will do to my family relationships. I just want to be true to myself. I want to have a clean slate. I want to start my spiritual journey anew without the tethers of a ridiculous dogma telling me the generic answers to all of life's questions. I'm tired of the church telling me what is true and what isn't all the while being inconsistent and contradictory to even its own definitions of truth.

And all this I write while holding my daughter as she falls asleep. And I'm scared of what can happen if I keep lying. How will she see me? I want her to see her mother stand up for what she believes in. I want her to know that it's OK to believe differently than every one else. I want her to know it's OK to not have all the "answers." I want her to know there is beauty in mystery, and there is beauty in pursuing truth on one's own terms.

I just don't want her to know her mother is a liar.

Decisions...

2009-05-24T07:25:00.001-07:00

I don't know how much longer my little charade can last. I don't have a current temple recommend and my brother is getting married before the end of the year... in the temple.
I was speaking with my mother yesterday, who is oblivious to my real thoughts about the church. She was laying it on real thick about me not missing his wedding (he's getting married out of state and she doesn't want me to not go because it involves traveling). I also have family I haven't seen in a while that will be there, and I feel like if I don't go, every one will think I'm blowing them off. But the problem is, if I do go, it will be obvious something is up when I can't go through the temple....
So here's my dilemma, should I just lie and get my recommend so I don't hurt anyone's feelings/relationships/ world-views? Or should I stop being a hypocrite and fess up that I can't obtain a recommend and be honest at the same time. . .
I suppose there is a third option, and that's just not going to his wedding altogether. . . but I don't know if I can do that. . .

My TRUE Conversation with a Magic 8 Ball

2009-04-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

Me: Should I quit going to church?

Magic 8 Ball: Absolutely!

Me: Should I tell my family that I no longer want to go to church?

Magic 8 Ball: Maybe

Me: Will [Marcus]'s family consider him the "black sheep" if he leaves the church?

Magic 8 Ball: Absolutely!

Me: Is the Mormon church the one true church?

Magic 8 Ball: No way!

And the Magic 8 Ball wins again! Try it yourself here.

A Matter of Perspective

2009-04-21T08:40:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd make a quick observation about some things that were said in church on Sunday. Yes, my wife and I are still playing along as faithful ward members. I see it getting harder as time goes on however. Anyway, our daughter was getting fussy, so my wife lucked out and got to go into the hallway. I was left alone to endure to the less than articulate talks by two missionaries and a Stake High Councilor.

The first young Elder had a hard time explaining that we all need to be perfect, and at the same time not be perfect, because we can't. He stewed on that conundrum for a little while. The second Elder told stories about his old area, how he'd bribe people with candy to read scriptures. With an audible uneasiness in his voice he said that this new area had a lot of educated people compared to his last. Having been an Elder I know that it's easier to teach the poor and uneducated. A TBM would say that's because they're humble and teachable. I would attribute that difficulty to the fact that educated people are educated. I don't think I have to elaborate.

The High councilor took the blue ribbon. He began by saying that he was going to talk about making our prayers more meaningful. The only time in his 15 minute talk he mentioned prayer was in the conclusion of his talk. He did, however, have a number of fantastic tales to share with us about his ancestors. It was clear that he idolized his grandfather's grandfather. After what I heard, it sounds like the guy was kind of a jerk. Allow me to elaborate. This fellow converted to the church in the 1830s in New York. The anecdotes we harmless at first, just about him hurling tea cups out the window to obey the Word of Wisdom. Just fun facts like that. Then came his decision to move with the saints. He had stayed for a few years, but wanted to join them, his wife wasn't so keen. He had a farm, a home, and some children. One day he went to his wife and said that he was selling the farm and home to make enough money for him to go out west. He also said that if she didn't join him, he would leave her there with the children. Thankfully, she had a "change of heart" and moved with him with the saints.

Everyone still awake around me was all smiles at this bold faith building tale. It came as little surprise to me that no one else realized that this "faithful" guy was going to abandon his wife and children with out a home just to follow his personal beliefs. What a fantastic guy! The "change of heart" experienced by the wife was most likely a sense of coercion. It was more like blackmail than being moved by the spirit. Would you like to be left in 1830's New York with no farm, home, or husband with several children to look after? It's nice to know that this guy embraced the true meaning of Christianity, complete abandonment of your family and responsibilities for the good of your own soul. It's really a matter of perspective to see it as a spiritual expereience. Well, it was simply moving. I was moved to put my head in my hands and mutter to myself what the hell I was doing there.

The Beauty of Not Knowing

2009-04-15T15:24:00.000-07:00

Coming to a realization of my unbelief was not in my eyes the death of my faith, but rather the birth of something new. The potentials of the cosmos have opened up to me in a way I never would have thought possible; the mysteries of the universe are greater, the journey of life, more inviting. To me, the beauty of exploration is not knowing exactly where I am going, or knowing what I will find when I get there; the allure of exploration and ultimately this life is to discover truth and knowledge firsthand along the way.

Some would be frightened if they didn't have a set of cosmic and metaphysical beliefs neatly arranged, labeled, and packaged for them. Some people also believe they need organized religion to tell them that murder and stealing are immoral. So many times, while sitting in church, I would here the phrase, "if I weren't a Mormon, I'm scared to think what I would be!" I think that people give themselves too little credit. I believe that goodness comes within an individual, it isn't given to them by some outside entity or set of strict religious dogmas. I have a quote by Albert Einstein which hangs on my wall and it reads:

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science.

I've loved reading this quote for quite some time because it rings true to me in a way that being spoon-fed the answers of life's questions in Sunday School does not. (Ironically, I came across a longer version of the same quote while perusing postmormon.org's homepage.)

I'm not saying that the Church never did any good for me. There are many things I learned growing up in the Church that I still agree with and love. For instance, I love the emphasis of making the family central to one's life. Growing up, getting married, and bringing our daughter into the world has confirmed this belief in my own life, and because I've seen the sadness that comes when people prioritize their own selfish wants over the needs of their spouse or their children, I don't want to make the mistakes others have made in this regard.

However, that said, I believe this specific mantra of making the family central to a person's life can be learned by observing human interactions and through personal experience. When it comes to other issues like spirituality and cosmology, I believe I reserve a right to make my own decisions (or non-decisions) about that. And I also believe, when it comes to social issues and politics, I also reserve the right to come to my own conclusions based on my perceptions of justice, equality, and the role of government in a person's life, and not just blindly follow the Church leadership on whatever issue without using any of my own capacities for logic and reason.

And (as probably anyone who reads this may already know) the following is a poem by Robert Frost called the Road not Taken:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. (1915)

Many sacrament meetings have been graced with these words, however I feel the interpretations given in the same setting, never quite did it for me. In church talks, the poem is usually understood as choosing a path between good and evil, right and wrong, a spiritual journey versus a worldly journey, etc. However, the first line in the final stanza implies something different to me. The narrator of this poem is looking back at his choice with a "sigh." This word implies a longing, a nostalgic "what if?" even. I interpret the poem to mean either path was a path worth taking. And in my situation, I could also interpret the path less traveled by to mean my own personal spiritual journey, as opposed to the same path taken by countless others on their spiritual quests by following one organized religion. And, too like the narrator, I am "sorry I could not travel both." Of course, if poetry wasn't meant to be subjective, it wouldn't be poetry, so I understand if someone reading this may not like the way I interpret it, but for me, that's what I take from it.

Hypatia: New and Improved and Now 100% Guilt Free

2009-04-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

One time, while visiting my grandmother's ward when I was an impressionable eight year old, I told a slightly naughty joke in Sunday school. This joke, though not exactly one would hear among educated adult circles, was definitely a common one among elementary school playgrounds, and as I recall, it was "naughty" because it involved the word "pee." I remembered how successful I was at gaining some brief popularity among my peers in my class, because they laughed right after I finished the punch line, however, I remember the Sunday school teacher was not impressed. She sternly looked at me and told me that my behavior was unacceptable, and that she would have to consider reporting how bad I was to my grandmother and the Bishop. Granted, it wasn't my Bishop, and granted, I wasn't going to be there for at least two more weeks, but the thought terrified me.

The Bishop (note the capital "B") had been used as a form punishment, guilt, and perhaps even coercion in my growing up years. Many times, when sitting in a slightly rowdy Sunday School class, the threat of having "to call in the Bishop" was administered unto us. Also, the Bishop's seeming "omnipotence" when it came to my personal behavior startled me. Sometimes, I equated the Bishop with Santa Claus because, with the Power of the Priesthood, and with the power of Discernment, he could tell if I was a lying, conniving, and secretly subversive child/teenager in our regularly scheduled worthiness interviews. (St. Nick also frightened me as a child.) At the same time, over the years, I have had many good Bishops. But to me, I enjoyed being around them when they were being kind, friendly, but certainly not when they were being Bishop.

I guess what it all comes down to is guilt. Growing up, I would feel an immense amount of guilt if I used an expletive in conversation with my friends. I remember praying that God would forgive me, and I dreaded having to confess my potty mouth to my Bishop. This could be applied to many other things, and dumb things I would do (and did) growing up.

The Church has a great (brilliant, actually) way of retaining its members, and even bringing back members who are "struggling" with their testimonies, and this my friends is GUILT. In fact, guilt (when used in the right way of course) is a "good" thing in the church. Mormons have even come up with a term for the best (worst?) kind of guilt you should have to repent the right way, "Godly Sorrow." So yes, "Godly Sorrow" entered into my life many times... But as I grew up, I started to realize this "Godly Sorrow," became less and less Godly, and more Sorrow... and then devolved into plain old Guilt x 10. I started to then wonder, why it was in God's plan for me to feel so guilty all the time. I went to Sacrament, but I would be made to feel guilty (by my own indoctrination and by others) for not attending Relief Society. At BYU, one person even equated my behavior sinful for not attending all church meetings, including the weekly snoozefests on Tuesdays in the Marriot Center. When I started really questioning the Church, I fell into a depression that lasted well over two years. I remember trying to pray for inspiration, not getting any, and then feeling guilty for not getting any. I remember when I would get "inspiration," I would wonder if it was basically psychosematically induced, and then feel guilty for entertaining THAT thought. No matter what, I felt like "Satan" was literally upon me, trying to shake my faith because I had trouble consolidating reality with the fairy tales which I had grown up learning to take literally. My brain literally fought itself, trying to process information I KNEW to be true, with information which I "knew" (in the testimony sense) to be true.

I think the way Mormons set up their indoctrination is quite brilliant. If you question the church, it's not because you're a human being with a functioning brain, it's because you're going through a "trial" or a "stumbling block" which you need to overcome. The assumption is, if you question, then there is something fundamentally wrong with you, not with the church, no... because it's PERFECT... (except when it's not.)

It seemed to me that blind obedience without sound personal investigation was quite a valued trait among my fellow Mormon sisters. One time in Relief Society, the teacher asked if any of the sisters were Queen of a city for a day, what would they do to make it a better place. One sweet, shining girl piped in that she would simply "marry a worthy Priesthood holder, so he could make all the decisions" for her! The room errupted into laughter, which subsided immediately when a friend of mine added to the discussion by saying that she would work on infrustructer because "unlike some walking wombs this one had a brain."

But I digress...

The point I am trying to make is this, for years I struggled with depression and Guilt. For years I felt like the Church was a burden in my life, and I even confessed to my friends in more than one occassion that if I hadn't been born into the church, there was no way I would ever join if approached by the missionaries. (And many times I was met with the reply that this was probably why I was born in a Mormon household, because God knew this was the only way to ensure I would be in His Church.) Darkness surrounded me, as I tried to believe the unbelievable... and then one day miraculously it all went away. I am now the happiest I've ever been. I am not burdened by this indoctrinated Guilt anymore.

The reason?

I have come to terms with myself that I don't have a testimony of the Church, or the Gospel. I don't believe it to be true, and the reason I had been so depressed for what seemed like forever is because I was trying to make myself believe something that I didn't. The emotionally exhausting process of psychosomatically making myself believe a "spiritual confirmation" that the church was true, then doubting it four hours later, then trying to do the same thing again that night, the next day and the next day is finished. Over. Kaput. Done.

I have quit lying to myself. I have quit lying to my husband. And someday I will quit lying to the world. I feel like I have been lead out of the Cave; I have seen the Sun, the trees, the rivers, the rocks, the animals, the world, and have no desire to receive the awards of those still forced to watch the shadows on the wall. I have "gone astray," "not endured to the end," "let go of the Iron Rod," "fallen into the Teachings of Men." (I could probably think of a thousand more guilt-laced Mormon aphorisms...) And you know what? I feel liberated, at peace with myself and my mind, and it feels good.

Really damn good.

"The World," Not as Evil as We'd Hoped

2009-03-31T21:13:00.000-07:00

If you've ventured into a Sunday school room, or overheard conversation in practically any LDS setting, then chances are you've heard about the world. It doesn't get a very glowing review. In fact the world is painted as a very dismal place filled with evil-doers, lascivious louts and ample quantities of ACLU lawyers. It's logical to assume that much of this rhetoric took root in the language of the New Testament and other scripture. The Gospel of John is abundant with verses that decry the world as an agent for evil.

I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. -John 17:14 (emphasis added)

We could assume that the world as written in the New Testament was the personification of temporality and carnality. Hence we have termed the word "worldly" to signify bacchanalian excesses and the like. As formerly defined, the term works well when understood as a metaphor for evil.

However it doesn't seem like that's way it's being utilized in our modern context. Among the things I've heard in lessons, classes and at General Conference are the following.

"The Church’s standards remain constant while the world becomes more wicked."

"The world is the worst it's ever been."

"The world is trying to make us accept wicked behavior."

In this context it seems as though the world is much more literal, as in everything outside of the gospel or the church. That may be a perfectly fine definition for some, but I personally find it troubling.

When we say to our youth, for example, "the world wants you to lower your standards,"
at worst this seems to mean that there's this vast global conspiracy against us, at best it paints the world out side the church as an iffy place that is not to be trusted. Both of these conclusions fall far from reality. The truth is this: most of the world has never heard of Mormons and will never care to hear about what they have to offer. Therefore, it is ridiculous to assume that it cares about what standards you have and whether you keep them or not.

The world is largely indifferent to what we do as individuals, because it's a vast place comprised of thousands of languages, cultures, religions and philosophies; many of which are forces for great good on this earth. Using a wide brush to paint the world as a den of sin does little to encourage people to become citizens of it. This breeds arrogance to assume that we are the only ones above the world, when many in it do good. It also causes a xenophobic point of view which further distances us from our fellow man. So by the time we urge our people to be "in the world but not of the world," this seems like an impossible task (unless we mean blending in with our materialistic culture, with a house we can't afford and owning more cars than we need).

I would even argue that the so called "forces" that want us to sin and become evil are not as tangible as they appear. This naturally is in opposition to much of traditional Judeo-Christian belief. In my 26 years on the earth I can't think of a time where I was obliged to do something by evil forces that conspired against me. Rather, all of the times I compromised my personal standards were due to internal flaws, as stated by the stoic philosopher Epictetus:

Evil does not naturally dwell in the world, in events, or in people. Evil is a by-product of forgetfulness, laziness, or distraction: it arises when we lose sight of our true aim in life.
When we remember that our aim is spiritual progress, we return to striving to be our best selves.
That is how happiness is won.

Isn't that a healthier outlook on life? The world is not a swirling ball of tribulation and strife. We are not inert balls of clay that simply bow to the whim of external forces. Good and evil are in each human being's ability to act upon agency. We are the ones responsible, we are accountable for our own actions.

The worlds is not he most wicked it's ever been. We have had wars and rumors of wars, pestilences and blasphemes since before time and memorial and will until the end of man. It simply fluctuates. We have our inquisitions, legal slaveries and holocausts in one generation, and in the next our enlightenments, democratic revolutions, and ages of reason. They come about not due to invisible forces, but the capacity of individuals to reason and to do good.

The world is a beautiful place; it's not as evil as we once thought.

Don't question... It's not good for conformity.

2009-03-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time a member of the church, a strong faithful (I suppose slightly fanatical) member, who I happened to be dating at the time (although I have no idea why), told me that I "belonged to the wrong church." We were sitting in the Harold B. Lee library at BYU, and I was confessing my personal turmoil with the Church's staunch anti-feminist stance when it came to women working outside of the home. Instead of trying to convince me my concerns were unfounded and even trying to provide a good rebuttal , he simply told me that I literally shouldn't be a member. I think at the time, he told me this because he thought it could cause some introspection on my part, a way to shock me into being a little more faithful. (The guy literally thought he was my bishop first, and boyfriend second.)

The funny thing is, his response backfired and actually made me seriously consider my loyalty to the church I was born and raised in. And it wasn't only this instance either; there were plenty of times while I attended the "Lord's University," where I seriously wondered why on earth I was LDS. And, at the time, I felt enormous guilt afterwards for entertaining such thoughts.

I never considered myself to be a bad Mormon, in fact, I was a pretty decent Mormon kid and teenager. I never broke the word of wisdom, obeyed my parents, carried the Strength of the Youth pamphlet with me everywhere, graduated from seminary, served as Beehive, Miamaid, and Laurel president, etc. etc. I was also pretty good about reading the scriptures and praying every day. But there was always one character trait (flaw?) that I had:

I questioned.

Questions tended to get me into trouble. It seemed that every time a touchy subject (i.e. Polygamy) would come up in Sunday School or Seminary, my hand would immediately shoot up, as I always wanted to pry further into such topics because the typical primary answers didn't suffice. With reluctant looks and glances, my sunday school and seminary teachers would eventually call on me, I would speak my peace, they couldn't really answer the question without sounding vague, or cryptic, and I would typically get the look of dissaproval from the other students in the form of a head shake or the rolling of eyes. But still, I persisted. I had to know.

The first time I realized that I could be "sinning" by asking questions, was the time when my hometeacher (who also happened to be the stake president) was visiting our family. He was telling us about the new stance the Church had taken when it came to endowments for women. Basically, women were not to be allowed to receive their endowments (Temple blessings) unless they were getting married or going on a mission. Immediately, a flag of injustice went up in my head.

"What if a woman joins the church when she is 30? What if she's married to a non-member who can't go to the Temple with her? What if she never gets married? Will she never be allowed to receive Temple blessings?" I asked.

The look I received was one of stern dissaproval. I could see in my hometeacher's face that I had just done something very, very naughty.

"Do you sustain the Prophet of our church?" He asked without breaking his expression.

At first, my jaw slightly dropped. I was shocked that he was questioning my loyalty to the Prophet. The Prophet! Of course I sustained the Prophet. I was taught ever since I was little that I needed to follow the Prophet; he knows the way. Finally, I answered a subdued, "yes."

"Then you should have no problem with what the Prophet has said is to be done," he said with a bit of triumph in his voice.

Being 17, and believing as I did then, I had no reply. But I never forgot that conversation, its implications, and the fact that he really never did address any of the concerns I raised, and that I felt somehow less "worthy" after that hometeaching visit.

The questions never stopped however. They couldn't for me. They seemed to spill out of my mouth before I could get control of myself and realize I shouldn't ask such things if I wanted to look good to church leaders and friends. At the same time however, I was a huge defender of the church.

I first attended a community college for two years before transfering to Brigham Young University. There, I encountered a lot of people who were willing to ask me many questions about my church, and even challenge some of what I believed. These questions and challenges were great for my testimony at the time. They gave me a channel of debating others, and usually ignorant or insensitive comments made about my religion solidified my affiliation with the Church. The fact is, if I didn't spend so much time defending my religion to others, I don't believe I would've lasted in the Church as long as I have...

The real kicker is that it was attending BYU that pushed me over the edge. I hit the worst depression after starting my academic career at the "Lord's University." Suddenly, after feeling like a pretty good member of the church my whole life, I felt like a heathen. I was scandelous for not wanting to attend Ward Prayer ever Sunday evening. I was scandelous for dying my hair fire engine red. I was scandelous for not treating Bush like he was a "divinely inspired" man. I was scandelous for my feminist ideas. I was scandelous that I worked past curfew. The list of my blatant "rebellious" activities can go on and on. And then, when I would read in the New Testament, I would see shocking parallels between many at BYU and the pharisees and saducees. The Honor Code became more and more like the "Oral" Law. Not to mention, there were plenty of Thought Police running around campus ready to report you if you happened to leave an apartment of a member of the opposite sex a minute passed curfew and keep you from running BYUSA.

Anyways, it was questioning that brought me to where I am now. And what's wrong with that? Although some members are hesitant to admit this, but it is true that we are encouraged to find the truth for ourselves aren't we?

Blah. It's late. And I have plenty of examples of BYU's administration stifling honest debate and discussion at *gasp* a university for learning of all places.

G'night all.

The Cowardly Liar

2009-03-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

The brave pioneer thrusts his shoulder to the wheel with his might; bristling with the hope of a bright new future in his promised land of milk and honey. The classic Sunday School tale is ubiquitous, it is inescapable fare in a Mormon setting. Six generations ago both my maternal and paternal ancestors trudged through heartache and misery to reach the Valley seen by Brothers Brigham and Joseph. I too am a pioneer, but not the variety hoped by those faithful saints. I hope for a bright new future in a promised land, but my path is not theirs. My path ,according to the faithful, will lead to misery, melancholy and destruction. Well, since I've been honest with my self, I've never been happier; so I don't necessarily agree with the previous supposition. The question then becomes; why cling to a religion you no longer believe in?

Allow me to paint a picture of my life.

I was born on General Conference weekend. My parents never called me by my first name, so it was reduced to a mere initial like the" L" in L. Tom Perry. I was blessed, went to nursery, sang my primary songs, got my CTR ring and by 8 I was a full baptized member of the church. My stake president Grandfather was there as was my Stake High Council father who performed the ordinance. I became a deacon, a teacher, a priest. I went to seminary every morning at 6:00 sharp, almost never late but always awake and ready for my spiritual breakfast. Prayers, fasts, service, FHE, scripture study, talks, testimonies, choir, these were the occupiers of my adolescent mind. I was the poster child of the perfect Mormon boy, if no dating until 16 was good, then I moved that age to 18, just to be safe. Peter Priesthood looked inactive next to me.

As you can imagine I went to BYU, prepared for a mission, went to the Temple and served faithfully for two years. I came home, found a beautiful Mormon girl and we were sealed in the Temple. About a year later I was blessing my own daughter in our Ward. This not only my story but that of my entire family and that of many of my Friends. All of my cousins served missions ( save one girl) and all have been sealed in the Temple ( save two, those coming and going from missions). All of my family and all of my Friends are members. My father, grandfather and Uncles served as Bishops and Stake Presidents, my grandmother and aunts Relief Society Presidents. The church isn't part of our lives, it IS our life. It flows through our blood, its in our sinews and rooted deep in our DNA.

For years my veneer was always the zealous servant, however; my mind engaged in wild flirtations with ideas and rationale that set my faith in a quiet corner. I will talk about that some other time, suffice to say that I don't think I believe what I once did. Now I'm faced with a whole new world both terrifying and exciting all at once. Do I stay or should I go? It's easy to see why leaving seems logical. If you don't believe in something anymore, you simply seek enlightenment elsewhere. Done. It's clean and simple with no fuss. Or is it?

This is what would happen if I confessed to the world my " heresy".

The classic handbook play for the Mormon confronted with the apostasy of a fellow member, is to conclude they have sinned a terrible sin. Logically that must be it, because the church is perfect and no one would ever leave it unless they wished to hide or engage in their lascivious ways. My dear sweet family, whom I love and respect, would probably inquire as to my drinking habits, my casual drug use and my promiscuous encounters in back alleys with loose women. I assure you, I'm good boy. No, I have vices like anyone else, I am imperfect like the rest of the human race, but no more than the next Mormon.

The next move of my friends and family would be to try to pin point the exact time and place of my apostasy so as to apply blame.

"It was Richard Dawkins, in the Library, with the book!"

"No, sorry, guess again."

"It must be that wife of his and her womanly powers of persuasion!"

"Wrong again."

This last guess, however, concerns me. Let me say that my wife has always been, and perhaps will always be more spiritual than I am. So such conjecture is silly. Still I know that they would try and make such accusations. Such have been made in the past, they say that she's "changed" me. That's true! What spouse has not changed or influenced us all on some scale. We are all influenced by the world around us and the people we meet. However, to completely change ones entire belief system requires an internal choice made by an individual. Even my wife cannot see inside my head.

"So it's...your fault?"

"Ding ding ding."

Imagine that, I made a choice all on my own! In a world obsessed with placing blame on others for their own decisions, it's hard to see someone fess up that the buck stops with them. This then presents the next problem. Why do I feel like I'm fessing up to anything?

The next move in the playbook is to feel sorrow and compassion for the lost lamb, who strays from the flock into dark paths. You become the apostate, the non-member, the fallen, the lost, the strayed. You become the weepy awkward Relief Society story.

" sniff ... I don't know why my son/brother/daughter/second cousin left the church...sniff...but I know that if I pray hard enough and fast, maybe the Lord will soften their hardened heart so they can ...sniff...come back and receive the full blessings of the gospel..boo hoo hoo."

No one will say.

" You're awfully brave to leave the comfort of your family and Friends by seeking a path that differs from their constructs of belief, and to endure the constant derision, disappointment, and disapproval of everyone you know."

I doubt I'll ever hear that. This is after all, my own voyage of self discovery and personal enlightenment. However, my conversion to what ever I find in the future will not be a positive event. It will be a blight on my families perfect record. At family events people will stop talking when I enter the room. They'll be awkward stares and muffled comments. Let me repeat that I love my family and respect them for their beliefs. I just know how Mormons respond to this kind of thing, and it's not that pretty.

Then there's the question of my little girl. If I left the church, immediately my ability to parent will be irreversibly compromised. There would be constant interventions to make sure my child always went to church and was saved from the darkness that envelopes her poor lost parents.

" So you don't pray for your children and ask for divine guidance in raising them?"

"Nope, I just do the very best I can as a father and raise them according to ethical virtues espoused by humanity and teach them to treat others as they would be treated."

" Gasp!"

I know these portrayals are a little cartoonish, but members have a way of simplifying very nuanced issues to make them more black and white. The problem is the world is very chromatic.

Anyway The list could go on. Parents would blame themselves for raising me incorrectly. Others might follow in my footsteps and I'd be the Shepard of death. I don't know how to raise my kids without being a Mormon thinking father etc. etc. I'll probably pontificate on those things another day.

Well this is nothing special at all really. This sort of thing goes on every day. A catholic girl is disowned by her parents because she wants to be Mormon. A Baptist raised boy is rejected by his friends because Buddhism appeals to him. A favorite sister is never spoken to again because she voted for a Democrat. I understand their concern. To them I will not be with them in glory. I will not be able to have all those wonderful blessings. They don't want to see me suffer. I understand that. The problem is, I don't think I'll even see them again once our lives are over. I want to make sure that this one life that we get is filled with love, joy and happiness. Life is too short to bicker and have bad feelings one to another. That, and I'm a coward.

About

2008-12-13T09:10:00.000-08:00

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